Sky-high figures were quoted for the underwater adventure Blue, which was released to a mixed response last Friday. The gamble of cashing in on the festive Diwali week worked, but only partially.

Of the movies rushed out for Diwali, Blue fetched better initial box office collections than All the Best and Main aurr Mrs Khanna — but then the aqua-thriller’s budget was infinitely superior. Plus more money was spent on its publicity than any film in recent memory. Blue,  though, was a disjointed, often screw-loose and  plotless enterprise which sought to be Bollywood’s answer to such Hollywood blockbusters like Into the Blue and The Deep, with, as it happened, laughable results.

Frequently, it is bragged that Bollywood has come of age and its technique is comparable to that of Hollywood. Sorry, like it or not, we are still far away from the technical skills evident even in vintage underwater movies like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954),  Sink the Bismarck (1960)  and The Abyss (1989).

Moreover, the glug-glug quotient didn’t turn out to be the chief element of Blue, what with endless motorbike chases and car explosions staged on terra firma. Even worse, the underwater scenes were so tame that the thriller element became more than conspicuous by its absence. All treasures and conflicts were resolved easily in a civil conversation over a cellphone. Here was a classic case then of much ado about nothing at all. Those who track the history of popular Indian cinema may recall that there have been a couple of films which have sought to dive into troubled waters.

There was Anmol Moti (1969) featuring Jeetendra and Babita in search of a magic oyster pearl, and Aatank hi Aatank (1995) featuring Rajnikant, Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla, a rehash of The Godfather. The film suddenly shifted to the high waves in a bid to incorporate a shark attack à la Steven Spielberg’s Jaws. Both films laid an egg at the box office. For decades no one went close to water unless it was from a distance, as in Samundar and Saagar.

To return to Blue, its debutant director, Anthony D’Souza, has a background in ad filmmaking, 
but a feature film demands ano-ther kind of discipline. Some filmmakers can transcend it, the notable examples being Shyam Benegal, Govind Nihalani and John Matthew Matthan (his Sarfarosh was excellent).

Some ad filmmakers, however, can’t seem to get over the quick jump cuts and the obtrusive cinematography, like staging a 
visual through a glassful of wine 
or champagne.

More irritatingly, close-ups are shot from angles that are plain jarring, like several shots of Lara Dutta, in this case. Visuals that can be seen on any of the nature-related TV channels are hardly surpassed in Blue, despite the collaboration of international technicians.

In fact, the underwater ‘daredevilry’ appears to have been shot on a cool and calm beach in the Bahamas, evidently cleaned and drained because a film crew was arriving. No danger lurking down there. At most, the seashots are the sort that would delight an amateur scuba diver. As for those killer sharks, not to worry, here they look so harmless and old  that you’d think they belonged to a retirement home for senior fish.

Unintentionally funny, Lara Dutta also talks about being so fascinated by oceanography that she wants to do further studies in marine life. But for that she needs millions of dollars. Pray why?

More than ever before, the chronic lack of stories and screenplays are becoming obvious in Bollywood. Ashtavinayak Pictures, which funded Blue, probably thought the star presence of Sanjay Dutt and Akshay Kumar — neither in the prime of their acting skills — was more than enough to bankroll the project. In effect, the film may have sounded high concept on paper, but in execution it is a downer.

Oddly,  with every new big film he stars in  (the last one was Kambakt Ishk), Akshay Kumar makes it a point to crack some jokes which make fun of women.

In Blue, he lasciviously talks about being with two women at the same time, one black and the other white. He grins from ear-to-ear that being with them was like “playing the piano.” Is Mr Kumar okay? Who writes these nuggets of dialogue for him?

The content is toothpick thin, and that’s where Blue and others of the ilk (like Acid Factory) dodder. No story means no entertainment. No emotional pitch means no audience connect. Yet of late, scores of cars have been blown up in our movies, foreign exchange gobbling trips have been made to exotic locations (hello, what’s wrong with the Indian seas?), and girls in bikinis have been paraded to woo the audience.

Heck guys, stop it. Such tricks just leave you with a dark shade of the entertainment blues.

(The writer has been reviewing Bollywood ever since he was in diapers. He has also scripted three films and directed three including Fiza. Currently, he is working on his next film Rutba)