Generous or cheap?

Every now and then, I engage in mild acts of generosity like helping people out. Minor stuff in the charity stakes but a feel-good sensation nevertheless. On and off, he isn't heavy, he is my brother and there is no greater pleasure than the pleasure of giving pleasure or making someone a little happier.
There is that old saying that happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without spilling a few drops on yourself.
As a journalist, I am cynical enough to believe that the feel-good is actually bed-rocked in conceit because you believe you are the better endowed person dispensing services from your Olympian mound.
Some of these are regular commitments and I usually manage to keep to the schedule so that the helping hand is on time because like justice, it is pointless if delayed.
But ever since this virus hit, I find I have become niggardly. In the sense that I don't feel like sharing or giving or doing right by others. Odd, is what it is. One would imagine that with this medical crisis one would become a more generous person, let the milk of human kindness slosh about it bit, loosen the purse strings and be magnanimous.
Right. Okay, so tell me why am I being such a prat? I am not only delaying sending those little financial courtesies, I do not feel like doing it. It is a sort of maybe tomorrow, not today, I don't have enough to send. It is like the generosity has dried up and I am clutching the little I have to protect myself.
Of course, part of me is displeased with this unexpected change of heart but the rest of me is justifying it. Like times are tough, I need to worry about me first, cannot just keep forking it over, it is like charity sure does begin at home and stays at home under these circumstances.
The messages and calls reminding me I hadn't ponied up started coming in. Little WhatsApp messages saying 'Hello, Sir, was waiting for your help', first expressing polite and restrained caution, then followed by a second hail melting into surprise and, finally, exasperation, disappointment and even a little rage. Like what, you are not sending, what is with you, how come you are not Mr Dependence any longer.
And it still did not move me. A bit okay but not enough to start forking over money. This new pettiness could well be an extension of the global phenomenon where being generous is becoming an introverted exercise. Take Europe, for example. We are all touched by the large-heartedness that people are showing by way of solidarity. But even as Italians sing from balconies and Germans activate benevolence  squads, a closer look shows it is all very insular and limited to being good to a common feather. The same sense of unity does not spill across the boundaries and 'us' becomes secondary to 'we'.
Even as there is a sense of commitment to fighting the enemy together, we do risk becoming relatively insular. I share this mindset with a friend of mine, who is in the medical profession and into pilot psychology as his specialisation. He says there is no need to beat yourself over being stingy. This is a manifestation of the hoarding instinct that kicks in. We believe the more stuff that surrounds us the safer we are: it becomes an armour. That's why you see people stockpiling and being prompted by themselves for themselves. As if to comfort me, he says you are a very mild case of the grabs, it will pass.  
Nice way to convince myself I am not alone but it  would be interesting to know if you have discovered  a change in your behaviour. What if you have reacted in the opposite fashion and become more giving and kinder and willing to share in the post-Covid 19 period because why not, we are all in this together.
The stress of the unexpected and the fear of not being in control of a situation does have an impact on us. It may be temporary but reactions to such situations can differ wildly. It is possible that, if not money, you are offering time and hope and joining some support group to offer helping hand to those less fortunate.
Just as there are some of us who pull back, there are those who see adversity as an opportunity to give a shine to virtue. Don't stop! As soon as I shed the hang up will join you.
bikram@khaleejtimes.com