The Case for Kindness

A couple of years ago, I was returning from a solo trip to visit my sister in Bangalore. At the airport, she was all teary; I was all cheer-up-darling-I'll-be-back-before-you-know-it bravado. Even on the plane, I was fairly put together, texting her affectionate assurances, as a mother and her teenage daughter settled into the empty seats next to me. The lights dimmed as the night flight prepared to take off. And as they lowered the mini TV screens that would keep us 'edutained' throughout the journey, a mini reel of my own had started up in my head. Life is so different when siblings get hitched and move away that the week my sister and I had spent together had felt like stealing happy moments from another's life: long walks in her lovely community garden, chatting in her kitchen, late night car rides, laughing till our sides hurt. I didn't realise I'd covered my face until I heard a crew member gently ask me if I was okay. I answered 'Yes' - but promptly dissolved into tears. He offered me a pack of tissues with his sympathy, and that's when the complete stranger next to me took my hand and held it - firm and reassuring - till I was able to turn the waterworks back off. I returned her motherly smile with a watery one of my own eventually, and though we didn't speak for the rest of the flight, we didn't need to. She'd left an indelible mark on me without saying a word.
Everyone knows that kindness is an honourable trait to possess. It's the kind of thing that's drilled into you during all those Moral Science lessons in middle school (though I hear kids don't have those anymore... the lessons, not school). Still, most of us can attest to that innate moral compass that advocates kindness - in theory, at the very least. So, why the need to make a case out for it? That's because kindness isn't normal, says California-based Houston Kraft, who is perhaps best known for his 'Choose Love' campaign that promotes kindness across the globe.
A self-styled kindness advocate (yeah, we'll get back to that in a mo'), Houston has his own life-changing in-flight encounter to share: with a co-passenger named Helga, who told him about the time her dad had passed away rather suddenly while she was en route to Arizona to see him a few years ago. She was in shock and, when she arrived at the airport there, she walked to the nearest wall, sat down and cried. And this is the part Houston says he'll never forget about her story: that for two hours, she sat and wept while thousands of people walked past her at that airport - and not one person stopped to ask if she was okay. "It was that day, Helga told me, that she realised how much we need each other. that kindness isn't normal," he relates.
And Houston has made it his mission to 'make kindness normal' ever since. "Especially now that I work in schools and organisations globally - speaking about compassion, kindness, and love - I'm reminded all the time that, for many of us, kindness is not usually our default setting," says the charismatic 28-year-old. "We spend so much time worrying about our problems, our lives, our comfort, our insecurities - that we walk by or ignore people in need of kindness every day."

(left to right) Kindness advocate Houston Kraft, author David R Hamilton, and co-founder of SNIFF Azadeh Issari
Arguably, part of that 'me, myself and I' ideology finds its roots in the prevailing culture of our increasingly individualistic societies. From advertising to films, the subtext is the same: as long as you're happy, nothing else matters. Which is why kindness trips us up - because it involves consciously serving others. Being so predisposed (subconsciously, at least) towards constantly serving ourselves, it's no wonder we don't have the time to hold the lift or pick up the phone to check in on a hurting friend, let alone cook for an overwhelmed new mum or drive a hurt stray to the nearest vet. And if we do take the time out to 'do good', you can be sure there'll be a camera capturing the whole thing for instant social media gratification and validation.
"In her book Quiet, Susan Cain says we've shifted as a culture from a culture of character to a culture of personality," Houston concurs. "Our priorities have shifted, in many ways, from what we can do to serve our communities or the world, to what we can do to serve ourselves - our brand, our following, our reputation. Kindness isn't normal because it requires us to look beyond ourselves. It is sometimes painful and oftentimes hard - so, in a culture that promotes quick happiness, we often choose to avoid the hard sacrifices kindness requires."
The other school of thought urging caution over kindness is a little less depressing - though no less alarming. Numerous times, people I've engaged with have declared it's just 'safer' not to be kind today. This statement is usually quickly followed up with horror stories of unsavoury characters exploiting the goodness of others (like gangs looting passersby of everything from cash to kidneys, when the latter stop to help an 'injured' man on the wayside). Admittedly, it's an argument that warrants merit to some degree.
It is not that we don't want to be kind, notes Houston. It's that we are afraid to be kind, and fear makes us self-preservational. But he argues that kindness must become bigger than self-interest. "Personal safety 'at all costs' disconnects us from communal compassion. The truth is, we need each other. Kindness requires that we serve a cause bigger than ourselves because we may need, one day, for that bigger cause to serve us."

Science is pro-kindness too!
This is no emotional appeal. Scientific studies have long established that kindness can contribute to both health and happiness. Former scientist David R Hamilton has written nine books to date - the latest, published by Hay House UK, is called The Five Side Effects of Kindness. In it, he explains why our bodies are healthiest when we're kind, and lays out the case for how it makes us happier, improves relationships, is good for the heart, is contagious, and even slows down ageing.
Of the five effects of kindness, the one he found most fascinating was the conclusion that it could 'pause the clock'. "Most people know that consistent stress speeds up ageing," says David. "However, the feelings associated with being kind (warm feelings of connection, niceness, gratitude, affection etc) generate the hormone 'oxytocin', which acts directly on the arteries to keep them healthy and young, and reduces free radicals and inflammation throughout the body - in the skin, muscles and brain. In other words, the product of kindness (oxytocin) is anti-ageing."
He also points to research that shows that treating people with hostility, contempt or even bullying them is linked with actual heart health issues. "It is now accepted that hostility is a 'risk factor' for cardiovascular disease," he notes. "And it's partly because these kinds of unkind acts reduce the levels of oxytocin in the arteries - and oxytocin is a 'cardioprotective' hormone (that is, it protects the cardiovascular system).
Funnily enough, David says if the act of kindness is not genuine, it does not produce any of the bonuses mentioned above. "I call this 'nature's Catch-22'," he says. "It is the feelings that produce the side effects, so only if you genuinely mean the act of kindness do you reap its benefits!"

'Small' is still significant
For co-founder of the Dubai-based volunteer pet rescue community SNIFF Azadeh Issari, it's the kindness of strangers that's helped them care for the hundreds of animals they have helped rehabilitate over the past few years. And local animal lovers have stepped up in some incredible ways - they have rescued the abandoned, supplied pet food and accessories, paid vet bills and facilitated 170 adoptions in the last six months alone.
Despite being a regular witness to several such acts of kindness, Azadeh says it does still warm her heart when people come through in really critical conditions. Like the time they decided to foster a heavily pregnant dog that had been badly injured by a car. "We didn't think she'd walk again, but one of our community members took her in. She's now doing so much better and has even started walking again!"
The acts of kindness don't have to be as big-hearted - sometimes, they're as simple as dropping off an extra leash - but she insists they go a long way, and what she and her team do is merely function as a portal. "The real magic comes from the community and their conscious decisions to be kind - not just to people, but to all living beings that we share our city with. It's what consistently restores my faith in humanity, despite everything else going on in the world today."
Many people don't think they're being kind unless they do something 'significant', agrees David. "When I was writing my book, I asked my mum when she last did something kind and she couldn't think of something, yet she'd just made me a sandwich and a cup of tea. When we point out the small things, it gives people hope that kindness is something we can all do every day."
Houston takes the challenge one notch higher. "We tend to think of kindness as an action but, most often, kindness is a way of being. With every interaction we have with people, there are plenty of opportunities to 'do' kindness - but an infinite capacity to be kind."
That would require both conscious resolve and intentionality. A determination to make five minutes every day to leave someone better than you found them. So, yes, World Kindness Day is on November 13, but it could be every day - if we wanted it to be.  
karen@khaleejtimes.com