Hey, did you know…

And I don’t like folks who ask riddles because that makes me look stupid and I don’t like to look stupid and there is always someone who’ll say, hey, you should get it, you are a journalist (no connection, friend, believe me, no connection at all) and you could strangle the fellow because now you are the inspiration for everyone else. They are looking up to you. You must jest, I never get a riddle, you have the wrong guy.

So, there you are enjoying the evening doing nothing important when this guy says, okay, let’s see who can get this one right, and everyone looks up eagerly like spaniels doing the MENSA exam and he babbles on, everyone listen up, this is a good one, okay what’s the most infectious object in the world.

Does it matter? This is a party, leave us alone, shoo, get lost.

Come on, he says, it is easy, think.

I thunked all day in office, mister; I don’t want to think now.

But he has hijacked the party and everyone is now giving it a try.

It is eassssy, he says, it is so obvious, you’ll kick yourselves when you get the answer.

I’d like to kick you now, Sir.

At which point someone says, the doorknob.

Umm, he says, not bad but… (like he’s the Simon Cowell of riddleland).

Now he’s the judge.

The remote control, says someone.

He shakes his head. Good try, come on, keep at it, think logically.

The mobile phone? No. The hotel phone? Nope. The toilet? Haha, no way, the kitchen sink is dirtier than the toilet. Nice thought, seeing as we haven’t had dinner yet.

Wafers in a public bar because people don’t wash their hands… Please can we just gossip and rip people apart.

Currency notes, screams a lady.

Cowell gives her an encouraging smile, now that is close, he says, well done but not the cigar.

She beams like she maxed her SATS.

The hostess says, hospitals, they are highly infectious.

Very good, he says, but still not the right answer, come on people, wakey wakey, it’s staring you in the face.

You know he is going to do it. He is going to make you look like a moron by offering you a clue.

I’ll give you a clue, he says, like we now need rescuing… We use it everyday.

Toothbrush? No. Wristwatch? N-ooo. Shoes? Nosirreee.

So now we have to go into that give-up routine and he looks disappointed and everyone says, alright, you win, tell us.

He stalls. They always stall. Sure? Last try? Abs sure? Oh, for heaven’s sake, spill it, will you?

With a flourish he says, an elevator full of people.

We all marvel. Yes, 
he says, an elevator doing ten floors increases your risk of catching an infection three times.

Gee thanks, that is all 
we need.

Wow, says someone, never thought of that. Well, obviously you didn’t, you would have said it instead of rabbiting on about the kitchen sink.

And, adds our riddle fiend, if someone sneezes in that confine, the risk rises exponentially.

Nice party, lovely weather, great conversation, this is good stuff. Everyone having a good time?

He is still holding the fort. Hospital infections are number two, he says, and the lady who said that simpers with intellectual delight. She’s got the silver, well the gold actually, since no one got the answer.

Okay then, says this usurper of the party, here is another one…

This is where you either drop a glass, hit the fire alarm, break a Lladró figure or simply pretend you are choking on a sandwich.

It will break the spell and we will all come back to normal.

Nice thought: my office is on the first floor.

bikram@khaleejtimes.com