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A Rocky Start

The summer months usher a season of weddings. For most people, this is the happiest and also the most terrifying day of their lives.

The wedding itself, in which the bride is usually the centre of attention, is a beautiful and inspiring ceremony bringing two people together. The terrifying aspect is the unknown and the ever-pervading question in the back of any couple’s mind, “what lies ahead?” Since most fairy tales end at the wedding, the reality of the days to come is rarely talked about or prepared for which can lead to serious emotional and physical concerns.
It’s only after the honeymoon that most people realise how much time they spent preparing for the wedding itself whilst completely ignoring the preparation for the marriage. With no seating charts to arrange or wedding cakes to taste, suddenly new couples feel an empty void, causing unnecessary tension and anxiety. Some brides might even suffer from post-wedding depression when they realise that the party is over and real life has begun.

Some surprises during the first year of marriage may include:

Baby hints may start almost immediately after you are married.
There will be arguments and quite heated discussions. The blending of two lives can certainly ruffle many feathers. Remember that it’s the working through of the arguments that will make the bond between you stronger.
In-laws are in your life for the long haul. Setting clear boundaries and combining these with genuine love and respect will go a long way in making any new couple’s transition smoother.
New brides will inevitably miss their family, especially their mothers. A lot of women long for the days when their mother took care of them and catered to their every need. Remember that hasn’t been lost, just transformed into a new relationship.
Communication is key. Don’t assume your partner knows all the secrets to a fulfilling relationship. Your likes, dislikes, desires and allergies all need to be shared and discussed.
Getting married can sometimes be like moving to a foreign country and there may be some culture shock involved. Perhaps, the new bride and her husband come from different countries and living in this new world may be quite an adjustment to make. One woman spoke about the first few months of her marriage and said “Learning to live day in and day out with someone who has been raised differently, has different habits and rules of living, was quite challenging. I had to remind myself that my way isn’t necessarily the right way — we needed to learn from each other and try and align our values so we weren’t always working against one another.”

There are other things to consider and these range from the ones of utmost importance like how many children to have and when to start a family to more trivial things like dividing household chores or where to go on your next vacation. There may be unmet expectations, fights and arguments, miscommunication and family differences and people should be ready for some of these things to occur as part of a normal adjusting period. It takes time to polish marriages and the first year is usually devoted to smoothing out the rough edges.

The problem is that no one seems to mention the dark side of the first year of marriage and how difficult it can be, for both men and women. More preparation and conversations are needed regarding the sometimes bumpy road of early marital days.

Here are a few pointers for couples to think about to help them adjust to their new lives more smoothly:

Remember that the you are both individuals with your own ideas and way of life and you may not always see eye to eye
Navigating your routines should be carefully considered to balance your new roles
Don’t judge your partner’s family too soon without getting to know them first
Don’t complain about your in-laws unless there’s a real issue
Be prepared for disagreements—don’t avoid them because that can actually be counter productive.
Above all, think about your choice carefully and consciously before taking the big step. There’s no ‘Mr/Ms Perfect’ but you should be compatible enough to celebrate finding Mr/Ms Perfect for me.’ Here’s wishing you all a contentedly married life.

Samineh I Shaheem is an author, an assistant professor of psychology, currently lecturing in Dubai, as well as a cross-cultural consultant at HRI. She has studied and worked in different parts of the world, including the USA, Canada, UK, Netherlands, and the UAE. She co hosts a radio program (Psyched Sundays 10-12pm) every Sunday morning on Dubai Eye 103.8 FM discussing the most relevant psychological issues in our community.