Coming of age

Parents, across cultures, often express concern about issues with their teenage child’s change of attitude. It’s almost like a resurgence of the terrible twos when children enter adolescence. Competing for independence, talking back, saying ‘no’ frequently, and even adolescent type tantrums are akin to the terrible twos phase.

Whilst these manifestations may make the parents’ life very difficult, it’s important for them to understand that adolescence is a time of incredible change, both physiologically and psychologically. Teenagers aren’t always able to effectively articulate or understand their feelings as well as adults can and may not consider consequences as their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for thinking ahead, is still developing. The period between 13-19 is the time when experiences help the brain wire itself in order to successfully manage emotions and impulses throughout life.

Teenage boys are slightly different from girls in the way they exhibit their adolescent crisis. Of course there may be similarities between genders. However boys generally tend to do the following;

• Withdraw
• Spend a lot of time in their rooms
• Ignore others
• Become more introverted
• Seem like they are no longer emotionally attached to the family
• Assert independence by being rebellious
• Experiment with substances
• Exaggerated reactions
• Defy authority
• Engage in reckless or risky behaviours
• Disregard for others

Parents should try to understand the underlying root of the behaviours that their teenage boys exhibit in order to better manage and guide them. The changes can be a result of a need for independence and asserting their own individuality. Boys also tend to listen to their peers and seek their advice which may lead to them behaving badly or aggressively. Many boys feel that they need to live behind a façade of masculinity whereby they conform to societal standards of what ‘real men’ do and how they behave. The worst part is that feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, or sadness are rarely discussed with family or friends, leaving teenage boys to struggle through their turbulent years of adolescence all alone.

There are many things parents can do to be more supportive of their son and to make the transition between adolescence and young adulthood smoother for both themselves and their child.

Some of the things parents can do are;

Uncover the camouflage. This entails looking behind the bravado displayed and to find ways to remove those iron screens. This can be done by spending more time with them and by talking and listening to your son in order to get to know him better.

Give him space and time. Boys do share feelings but it takes them longer than girls to express them. Parents can learn to recognise the signals and have important conversations when he’s ready to talk about problems and issues he may be facing. By being sensitive, patient and attuned to his emotions, it’ll become easier for him to reveal his true feelings.

Encourage them to choose a role model. This association helps build a sense of purpose and vision about who they want to be in the future.

No matter how difficult or aggressive your son may be, it’s important to remind him that he is loved and that you, as parents, are there for him. Don’t forget that teenage boys, despite their protestations, need approval, love and comfort from their parents. Don’t replicate his rejection of the family by rejecting him – this only makes matters worse.

Setting of clear and strict boundaries can help teenage boys in following rules and considering the consequences of their actions. If your son frequently comes home late for example, taking his car or phone away for a period of time will make him realise that he won’t get away with disregarding rules set by parents. In order for behaviour to change, reactions to that behaviour needs to also change.

This is a time when young men are trying to carve their own place in the midst of peer pressure, academic stress, changing physiology and the burden of societal expectations. It’s a lot to consider and being sensitive to all these dimensions is key to gaining insight into their inner world. Setting boundaries, being consistent with rules and regulations, encouraging your son to confront his emotions and above all, setting a good example would help your young man grow in a healthy and functional manner.

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Samineh I Shaheem is an author, an assistant professor of psychology, currently lecturing in Dubai, as well as a cross-cultural consultant at HRI. She has studied and worked in different parts of the world, including the USA, Canada, UK, Netherlands, and the UAE. She co hosts a radio program (Psyched Sundays 10-12pm) every Sunday morning on Dubai Eye 103.8 FM discussing the most relevant psychological issues in our community.

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