ALL WRAPPED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO

However, I've discovered the perfect antidote to road rage. Everyone should try massage. I was sent to 1847 at the Grosvenor House to check it out this week. The blurb says that '1847 is the first dedicated grooming lounge for men in the Middle East.'

I've always been fascinated by this kind of thing. What type of man is into personal grooming anyway. I'm the sort that takes five minutes to get ready for a big night out, and four minutes of that time is spent sniffing shirts lying on my bedroom floor looking for the least smelly one. I also go for a crew cut so that I have one less thing to worry about.

Now, on the other hand my better half spends hours preening herself. She loves spas, and all the different treatments on offer these days. She's really into 'wraps' at the moment. On the first few occasions she told me she was going for a 'wrap' I would ask her to bring me in a chicken tikka. I thought she meant she was going for a tortilla wrap. It was only when the visa bill came in that I realised she was having herself wrapped in seaweed. I still don't understand what this achieves, but it seems to keep her happy.

Anyway, it was with some trepidation I entered the domain of male vanity. I was nervous to say the least, and when I was asked at 1847 what treatment I would like to try I was clueless. One of the girls suggested a massage, so I went along with that, and had the 'Well Being Massage.' I was taken to a room with a table to lie on. Everything was luxurious, and designed for complete relaxation. My masseur — Joy, from Thailand — put me at ease quickly. Joy asked me what level of pressure I would like her to apply, and I suggested medium. If that's medium I'd hate to find out what 'firm' is. Joy was a little slip of a girl, but the power in those fingers was incredible. At first I actually thought she had climbed on top of the table and was walking up and down my back. Joy also managed to rub her hands with aromatherapy oils while continuing to massage. I have no idea how she achieved this; it defies logic. She must have Inspector Gadget arms.

Within minutes I could feel all the weeks of stress drain from my body. I left 1847 completely stress free, drove around to interchange five, and straight into a traffic jam. It didn't bother me one little bit.