Selflessness is the opposite of true love

“Motherhood is the most selfless love there is.”

I have been told that over and over again till it became ingrained in my psyche, became an extension of me.

Selfless: Not having a self.

Selfless: Negating oneself.

Selfless: Ignoring oneself for the needs of another.

In which world is ‘selfless’ good? In which world does that make you a good mother?

I tried it. Denying my needs, stopping my hunger for nourishment, starving myself of care… to tend to the needs of another, albeit one that came through me.

I broke. I succumbed to the cries outside of my body and ignored the wails from within.

I broke. Till my fragile arms could barely hold myself up, forget my child.

Selflessness had robbed him of his mother. It had robbed me of myself.

In the process of ignoring my needs, I had vanished. And what my child needed was grounding, strong arms to hold him… for me to be full of self.

He needed me to be selfish.

Why does culture elevate us crushing ourselves?

Why does culture hate us putting ourselves first?

I’m here to subvert what selfish is.

Even the dictionary defiles it:

SELFISH adj. (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

I’m going to confess something. I wish my mother had been more selfish. In giving to others, she had slowly incapacitated herself. First came the eyes that stopped seeing me, then the arms that lay limp around my body, then the body that broke… and lastly, her mind, as she wept for the years she lost basting others in love she didn’t have. And I lost her. She’s physically here but she’s spent. She’s tired.

My ‘selfishness’ will be a gift to my child because it is my gift to myself.

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