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I wanted to beat cancer. Then, I learnt to live with it

Failing without fighting is an easy option. And I don’t want to take that route

In the month of August in 2021, I called myself a survivor. It was one year after I was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, which had spread to my liver, too. I underwent surgery to remove the tumours in my colon and liver, and then, the months-long chemotherapy sessions.

By August 2021, it was safe to stop the chemo sessions and I was ready to travel to my home in India and my mum, who herself was a survivor. I returned to her after almost 18 months, but with a few post-chemo issues. Life was a bit cruel to us, as within two months of my return, I had to witness her shocking demise.

In February 2022, I returned to Dubai, considering myself a healthy person. Most of the post-chemo issues I faced were gone by then. All the fallen hairs grew back, and the numbness of my limbs was reduced with the help of medicines.

I decided to give my surgeon a visit. He said it was time for a regular review and advised a PET CT scan. The result that came after a few days changed my entire life. There were four tumours growing in my liver. The doctors told me that the option is to go to second-line chemo, which may not cure the disease, but would help manage it.

I was confused. Remembering the struggles and sufferings I had during the chemo sessions earlier, I was reluctant to try it once again. My question to the doctor was straight. “What if I don’t take the chemo again? Would I be able to enjoy a quality life for at least a short period, say one year?”

The doctor said it was one way to face the disease. But after a half-hour discussion, I decided to take the treatment. “It’s not possible to guarantee that this can cure your disease. But we can try. If you decide not to give it a try and the situation worsens soon, it may not be possible to try the medication then. So, it would be better to try the medicine now,” that was the doctor's final advice.

I returned to India and started treatment. The chemo sessions and reactions continued to cause mental and physical strain. Depression and deep vein thrombosis were indirect reactions while mouth ulcer, hair fall, body rashes, etc, continued to be direct effects like during the first round.

After eight chemo sessions, the PET scan results were disappointing. The only positive thing in the scan was that the disease hasn’t been spreading to other organs. However, the four tumours in the liver have grown to five. And the size wasn’t reducing. The result read the disease was only ‘marginally responding’ to the treatment. The pain has been increasing regularly. From normal paracetamol pain killer, I moved to stronger tablets.

Meanwhile, I took another decision. Instead of continuing the chemo unendingly, I decided to take a chemo break and look for other options. I tried some Ayurvedic medicines after consulting a doctor, but that too didn’t work for me.

During the first round of chemo sessions in Dubai, my favourite pastime was watching movies and series. And driving was the second stress buster. However, this time, it was almost impossible for me to concentrate on anything. So, reading or watching TV was out of question. Then, the second option got a promotion. I decided to travel as much as possible. Travelling has another advantage. It helps me meet friends. A lot of people, whom I knew only through social media, became offline friends in those journeys. Sometimes, severe pain forced me to stop the drives halfway or take halts midway outside my travel plans. But I continue my drives.

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Then, after four months of chemo break, I decided to try a new treatment method, which had helped many. I heard about immunotherapy from friends and found a doctor who had already proved his mettle. But there, too, luck was not on my side. Gene mutations on specific tests were needed to take that option and gene sequencing tests proved that I don’t qualify for that.

Then, the doctor suggested a new chemo medicine, which could be effective on those without the mutations. “Now, we can take an informed decision. Let’s try four sessions and if it doesn’t work, we can look for other options,” the doctor said.

After some serious thought, I decided to give it a try. And after the first chemo session, I’m going through a tough time. Mouth ulcers prevent me from taking any solid food and I had been surviving on fruit juices for more than 10 days. The next chemo session is due within a few days and I’m preparing myself.

All these months of treatment, there are a few things that helped me fight or survive. The first thing is my job at Khaleej Times. The login time always keeps me up, stopping me from taking the sedative to escape the pain. It also reminds me to stand straight and not fall down. And whenever I feel too low, I complain to my colleagues about the sufferings. The support they give help me forget the pain.

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Learning Spanish through Duolingo was something I started to kill time after the surgery in 2020. I still continue the lessons every day without fail. That urge to learn new words, new lessons, has always been there with me during the days of disease. Even in a hospital bed, I learn at least one lesson to keep the streak going.

Friends, family, and the roads I travel on are the other things that encourage me to continue the fight. Failing without fighting is an easy option. And I don’t want to take that route. I want to enjoy more road trips, to known and unknown destinations; through familiar and new roads. I want to surprise friends with my presence when they expect me the least.

I know the pain will grow, but I also know that the happiness will also grow along with that. Because now I know how to live with the disease... I know how to turn the pain into happiness... I know how to fight... Three years of my life with the big C has taught me this much. I can laugh and smile even when I have pain.