How to make conversations matter

The first draft of this article went to the trash. I could do it, because nobody knew about the article. It was still private. It was my thoughts. And I thought, not so with conversations!
"Hello, how are you?"
"I am fine! How about you?"
"Oh, by the way, I take back the 'how are you'. It's just 'hello'!"
We can edit a document, trash it. Not with the words we choose to put on our tongue. Once the words are spoken into the ether for consumption by minds that feel compelled to respond or react, the seed for a conversation has been planted.
The conversation above is also a very good example of how we plant the seed for shallow conversations in our everyday lives. Every time someone asks me, "How are you?", I can feel it in my heart that they have no true desire to know how I really am. I accept it as a social norm and respond just like everyone else, "I am fine, thank you. How are you?" Is this the way to start a conversation?
I started experimenting.
"Hello, how are you?"
"I am spectacular."
It was nice to observe the element of surprise in their reactions. Everyone is used to a standard response. Anything otherwise is viewed as unusual.
Further, I have also tried answering, "I am not keeping well." The results were quite interesting. Almost everyone did not know how to respond to such a reply. Many feigned ignorance and moved on with the conversation. And many found it to be a stumbling block to the conversation, wondering how to react. Truth of the matter is: almost no one really cares when they ask, "How are you?"
Our society is moving towards a state of self-absorption. We are getting more private and individualistic, often encouraged by the digital devices and virtual (social) networks. Every advancement in technology is moving us closer to a dystopian world surrounded by screens - the black mirrors. An emoji is an impersonal representation of our emotions. Text messages and voice notes disconnect us from giving a direct reply. Genuine conversations are becoming a thing of the past.
Douglas, Bruce and Sheila discuss about the science of approaching conversations in their New York Times' business bestseller Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. With their research of over 15 years in the matter, they dive deep into scenarios on conversations with one's boss, spouse, friends, kids and clients. As they conclude, we need to embrace effective conversations in our society, even more.
I've often found that in a deep relationship, we have deep and meaningful conversations. Often, this is exactly what is missing in our lives. Our relationships mirror our conversations, and if you feel shallow about everything around you, ask again: are your conversations shallow too?
As a conversationalist, I have been facilitating conversations among various communities and organisations for sometime now, while serving in community as well as corporate leadership roles. My personal observation is that human beings crave deep meaningful conversations - healthy, non-judgmental ones. Many of us have a fear of engaging in conversations, especially with those who look like strangers. In my work with organisations, I have found lack of conversations to be the cause of lack of transparency, trust and cooperation.
The art of conversation is highly empowering when we begin to realise that there are several ingredients involved, such as speaking, listening, intent, tone, body language, context, etc. When we evaluate these and remain conscious about all of them, it starts to become a muscle that we exercise. With time, it begins to get stronger. Our conversations are effective only if it manages to achieve the outcomes we set for it.
Take one step back, and imagine the most engaging conversation you have had in recent times. When was the last time? Whom do you deeply converse with? What is it that you want to talk about that matters to you and others? When did you talk to someone new, or even talk about something new?
Everything that we build for ourselves resides in the conversations we have. Let's construct our life, our days and our hours with words - conversations, which is a gift to humanity. It would be in humanity's interest if everyone constantly strived for having conversations that mattered.
So, how will you respond the next time someone asks you, "How are you?"

Speaker, trainer and coach, Samir Geepee calls himself a 'conversationalist'. He has had eight different career paths before he found his true north. Today, he acts as a catalyst for others to find their true path towards living a fulfilled life by helping them engage better. To connect with him, email samir@samirgeepee.com
wknd@khaleejtimes.com