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How to respond to a big, bad world

In light of everything we read in the news these days, the question to ask is not why there is so much violence around us today - but what we can do about it

A text from a friend on the morning of Saturday, June 11, contained just four words. "Kay," it read. "Grimmie is dead." I must admit, it didn't really register for a few moments. Who is Grimmie? I knew only one - the incredibly talented Christina Grimmie who'd started out as a YouTube sensation and gone on to blow everyone away on The Voice with her rendition of Wrecking Ball - but she couldn't be dead. She's 22. As I was soon to find out: she was 22.
Almost three weeks have passed; the details of how she greeted 27-year-old Kevin Loibl with open arms during a post-concert meet-and-greet session with fans, just before the obsessed fan fatally shot her thrice, by now regurgitated in hundreds of news stories across the world. Right on the heels of that came Omar Mateen, the shooter who dealt the city a double blow when he gunned down 49 people and injured 53 others at a nightclub the day after Grimmie was killed. Meanwhile, closer to home, the last couple of months has seen the nation gripped with the murder of eight-year-old Obaida Ibrahim, who first went missing in Sharjah on May 21. A 48-year-old Jordanian is currently on trial after confessing to raping and strangling the child under the influence, and prosecutors and family are pushing for the death penalty.
How does one make sense of such senseless acts? The answer is simple: you can't.
What's alarming is that mindless violence is not the occasional horror story today: it is every day, of every kind - and it is becoming an increasingly 'normal story' in civilised societies. According to The Peace Alliance, a US-based non-profit organisation that works on domestic and international peace building, violence causes more than 1.6 million deaths worldwide every year. What drives people to such acts of aggression? At what point does one decide that taking - or destroying - lives is acceptable or 'okay'?

GONE TOO SOON: Mourners at a candlelit vigil held in honour of Christina Grimmie after the shooting
For the longest time, scientists have debated whether it is nature (a person's innate qualities) or nurture (a person's individual experiences) that is responsible for said person's violent tendencies. In a Psychology Today post, Dr Kathy Seifert, an author and expert in matters of violence, mental health and criminal justice, identifies numerous factors - such as biological traits, individual characteristics, intelligence and education, peer relationships and cultural shaping, among others - as what determine whether a person is at risk for developing such tendencies.
She explains: "When the accumulation of negative factors (such as maltreatment, chaotic neighbourhoods, or psychological problems) and the absence of positive factors (such as opportunities to be successful, adults who provide encouragement, or a resilient temperament) reach a threshold, that's when violence is more likely to erupt as a means of coping with life's problems."
These days, a mere scan of the headlines is enough to beg the question: why is there so much violence in the world today? Is it the relentless exposure to violent ideas in the media, inadequate access to mental health resources - or even, God forbid, the way we're raising kids? There are no easy answers and no guarantees. But while the jury is out on whether crime rates really have spiked, or whether the impression is merely a result of how quickly information about negative events is disseminated in this day and age, perhaps, our best bet lies in fostering safer environments and raising responsible citizens.
To that end, here are some things to consider:

Watch what you watch
The media's glorification of violence has always been one of the biggest arguments for the ease with which people seem to resort to aggression today. It says a lot when the most addictive show of the year is chockfull of mind-numbing torture and sexual abuse scenes (Game of Thrones, we're looking at you) and seven-year-olds' favourite games involve using AK-47s and powerful explosives to blow enemy heads off and splatter zombie blood all over their iPhone screens. No one cares for conventional 'good guy' heroes either - it's all about the anti-hero. How else do we justify siding with the ruthless, power-hungry Underwoods in House of Cards, or glossing over Matt Murdock's very grey morals in Daredevil - the blind lawyer by day who metes out (pretty violent) justice by night?
 
THE DARK SIDE OF TV: (left to right) A still from Game of Thrones, which many viewers find superbly addictive, despite its graphic violence; Kevin Spacey as the ruthless Frank Underwood on House of Cards - he may just be the ultimate anti-hero
The ugly truth is that media industries are all about the numbers - and that doesn't look like it's about to change anytime soon - but the uglier truth is that violence actually sells. Our first response on passing a horrific accident scene is no longer to help - it's to pull out our smartphones. Social media posts warn us of graphic or offensive content - yet, our instinct is to click on the link. It's no longer enough to read about a beheading - we must watch! In other words, the issue is not just about glorification anymore - but of gratification too.
There's no point denying the effects of such exposure either. In an interview with Scientific American, Marco Iacoboni, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles, points out that the human brain makes us easily [susceptible] to all sorts of influences. "Watching a movie showing violent acts predisposes us to act violently," he says. "Even just listening to violent rhetoric makes us more inclined to be violent." That's why self-control is key to a well-functioning life - the absence of which could lead individuals to "use their cognitive control mechanisms in the service of a disturbed goal", including murders, assaults or rapes.

Practise tolerance
While there are plenty of scientifically researched reasons for why people resort to violence, it may be time to add one more to the list: hate. Just scrolling through the comment sections of popular news pages can leave one feeling distinctly ill at the level of venom and vitriol everyday folks are slinging at each other - wholly prejudiced and divided over nationality, religion, political views, personal rights, what they had for dinner last night. all because they cannot accept the existence of opinions contrary to their own.
Clinical and forensic psychologist Dr Raymond H Hamden from the Human Relations Institute & Clinics in Dubai notes, "Everyone has beliefs that govern one's thoughts, emotions, and behaviour. The mature person is accepting of all others and all their qualities - not judgmental or biased, but having the self-confidence to appreciate differences and celebrate all diversity."
Cultural conditioning and zealous religious upbringing can inculcate strong belief systems in people, but as Dr Hamden points out, not all resort to violence. It is when one fails to draw the line that the consequences become serious, either "externalised in the form of terror crimes; or internalised with evidence of depression and anxiety, or general distress."
An added dimension to all of this is the "adolescent mandate" - which is to establish an identity, learn to be independent, and become emotionally stable, he adds. "Recruiters of terrorist cells often manipulate these three measures by telling a vulnerable young boy or girl that they will be famous (identity of fame), their work will be a gift to their family who will be paid money for a lifetime (independent provider for the family even after death), and joining the group will be their [gateway to] adulthood or heaven (emotional stability), whichever comes first."
As a community, he says, what we can do is "provide programmes that educate everyone on how to become productive citizens. Anger management and aggression reduction courses can be applied for those who need them, while family intervention is most valuable to educate each member, leading to mutual support of each other and towards the population at large."

SPEAKING OUT: (from left to right) Clinical psychologist Dr Raymond H. Hamden; Stefan Ritsch, director of Enritsch; parenting educator Joanne Jewell
Get help, if needed
Having said that, it's a completely different ball game if the driving force behind acts of violence is mental illness or psychosis. In Grimmie's case, for instance, co-workers have spoken of Loibl's "unhealthy obsession" with the star - how he changed his appearance for her (getting hair transplants and going vegan to lose weight) and refused to entertain any notion that his plan to "make her his soulmate" would not work. If anything, the case has only highlighted the dire need for societies to provide better access to mental health resources today.
Stefan Ritsch, director of Enritsch, a UAE-based one-stop shop that helps people discover physical, mental and social wellbeing, says, "Mental health has remained at the top of the list of crucial health issues to be addressed, not only in the country, but in many others across the world. And, while a number of government and private sector programmes have resulted in improvements in recent years, there is still much more that needs to be done."
It will take time before the stigma associated with mental health-related disorders dissipates, adds Stefan. "Such change can only come about through a collective effort that starts with inner healing and acceptance - and making sure we practise inclusiveness and kindness towards others."

Start at home, start young
One of the first things to come under scrutiny in the aftermath of an act of violence is to dive into the background and upbringing of the wrongdoer or perpetrator. Did he/she have a difficult childhood, grow up in a tough neighbourhood, not have access to positive role models? If all learning begins at home, then parenting - as Dr Hamden puts it - is not for cowards.
Offering advice on how to raise responsible kids - given the sheer number of channels through which they're exposed to violence today - educator and consultant Joanne Jewell of UAE-based Mindful Parenting says, "The most important thing is to have a strong, clear vision of what your family values are. If you and your spouse have different values, you'll need to decide core ones - and then role model them. If, for example, a family value is 'no shouting at people', then you role model it by not shouting, even at the children - so that they grow up in a house where shouting is not the go-to response."
Raising children with empathy is incredibly important in teaching them about healthy, positive relationships, she adds. "Kids learn empathy by receiving empathy, not by being told about it. And it's a key trait because if they can't look at things from others' perspective, how do they build healthy relationships?" Lastly, says Joanne, teach them how to manage their emotions in a constructive way, so that when they feel angry, they have choices of what to do with that anger. "They'll learn how to self-manage or self-soothe - which is actually a skill, and not something we're born with."
As for fostering safe environments, it's no secret that a lot of child abuse is carried out by people the child knows. Joanne says one way to keep kids safe is to keep the lines of communication open by parenting in a respectful, empathetic manner. "Don't put your kids in positions where they're too scared to tell you things because they fear your response. Your child should be able to talk to you about anyone that does or says anything inappropriate to them. Be honest, and allow them to ask questions - but always bear in mind their age, and respond accordingly."
Again, where violence is concerned, there are no easy answers and no guarantees. But as Martin Luther King Jr said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Grimmie may not be here to agree, but her music is. And perhaps - to paraphrase the lyrics to her song Advice - love is all [we] need.
karen@khaleejtimes.com