‘I believed people when they said I was not good enough'

Talking about her new film Gaslight, the ravishing Chitrangada Singh opens up about the real gaslighting she faced and her regret of losing on big films when she had taken a break of six years. A loss that finally felt like blessing for her mature outlook and the work:life balance she finally achieved. Edited excerpts from an interview:

Your last film Bob Biswas was also about murders? Now your new film Gaslight is also a murder mystery. What’s happening?

I don’t know! I somehow keep getting these mysterious roles. Actually, this is the first film I’ve done which is a murder mystery where I am part of the mystery. Bob Biswas was mostly about Abhishek’s (Bachchan) character. There I wasn’t really playing the bad, or part of the mystery. In Gaslight, I am right in the middle of the whole murder mystery.

What’s the significance of this title (Gaslight)?

There are three main characters — Vikrant Massey, Sara Ali Khan and I — who gaslight each other, knowingly or unknowingly. Psychologically forcing a person to believe that he or she is mad or their thinking is flawed, or they are doing something wrong. That’s what gaslighting is! And there is also a real gaslight that you must have seen in the teaser (laughs).

You said, “Gaslight reminds me of my childhood days when I was subjected to peer pressure”...

The question was: have you ever been gaslit? And I said, “Bachpan se (since childhood). Now when you look back, you realise you were not aware of this term. But you get gaslit all the time. I am a reserved person. So a lot of time as a kid, out of jealousy, I got gaslit a lot. I would believe people when they said I was not good enough. And I think a lot of time women have ended up gaslighting me than men.

You’ve also been a proverbial outsider in the film industry. Did anyone ever gaslight you?

So many times! And it doesn’t only happen because you are an outsider. It happens with everybody. If your performance is not up to the mark or you’re not looking good, you spoke to somebody, or you became close to someone… what must that person be thinking? Constant gaslighting! This place is the breeding ground for the word ‘gaslighting’. Somebody was asking me, “What do you think? Is it good or bad?” I said it’s growing up. You know it’s adult life. It happens to everybody. This is how you learn who you are. And later, you realise you can’t be gaslit. I know who I am. I know what I have done.

All of us remember your memorable debut in Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi (2003) . You looked ravishing, you acted brilliantly, and for the longest time, you were being referred to as the next Smita Patil. How do you look back at those initial years?

Very fond memories. For me, everything was happening for the first time. You know there’s a certain innocence of an actor. An awe about the film set, shooting, camera, scene, character. The whole world is so new. I had nothing to do with the film world since my childhood. I was really naive and silly. But I am so glad that I was naive and silly. Because if you’re oversmart, over-schooled, over-prepared in your first film, it is difficult to undo that. The spontaneity, that innocence of the first film, is such a beautiful thing that you shouldn’t touch it. Because later when you understand the craft and learn how to be smarter, it shows. Now when I look at that woman 20 years back, playing Geeta Rao (her character in Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi), I feel she was so innocent. It was lovely.

Post that, was there a confusion in your mind on whether you want to continue doing artsy films like Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi or you want to capture mainstream space with films like Desi Boyz?