Are you a people-pleaser? Here's how to find out

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Published: Thu 6 Jun 2024, 7:41 PM

According to Manaal Mulla, psychotherapist and internship programme coordinator at Dr Ola Wellness Hub, the trait of people-pleasing is rooted in our primal need for social acceptance. In ancient hunter-gatherer societies, acceptance by the tribe was crucial for survival. And while this evolutionary trait has persisted, it becomes problematic when individuals are excessively attuned to others' needs at the expense of their own, and develop negative self perceptions if they can’t meet those needs. Such hyper-attunement can lead to neglecting personal wellbeing and a diminishing sense of self causing significant mental health issues.

“People-pleasers often start as parent-pleasers,” said Mulla, who has been practising in Dubai for a little over one year. “Pleasing that caregiver, or perhaps even not pleasing them, can instil these tendencies from a young age. Consequences such as fear of abandonment, ridicule, or punitive responses drive children to prioritise others' needs over their own.”

Signs of people-pleasing in children include an inability to express their own opinions, constant deference to others, apologising often and for everything, and difficulty saying “no”.

Mulla also explained that people-pleasing is particularly reinforced in cultures where obedience is highly valued: “There is an element of self-sacrifice that is common within a lot of cultures because of that primal need for social acceptance that’s coded within our survival; you put the needs of the group over your own.’

In such environments, individuals who don't conform may face severe consequences, sometimes even abuse. This dynamic fosters a cycle where people-pleasers continually sacrifice their own needs to avoid negative outcomes, perpetuating their behaviour and the associated mental health issues.

But when self-sacrifice becomes excessive, it can lead to many issues along the line. And as people-pleasers grow older, their tendencies manifest in various ways. In academic settings, this can mean extreme anxiety before tests due to the fear of disappointing teachers and parents. In the workplace, it can lead to overworking and burnout, as individuals strive to meet others’ expectations at the cost of their own well-being. People pleasers’ constant need to please others is directly tied to their perceived self worth, and their inability to meet others’ needs can result in low self esteem, chronic anxiety, tension, and even physical symptoms such as shortness of breath, muscle stiffness, and poor digestive health.

“Another little known consequence of chronic people pleasing is eating disorders. A lot of the clients that I work with start off as people pleasers, and their relationship with control is so affected that the only thing that they can or feel like they can control is the food they eat or how they treat their bodies,” she explained. “So they develop rigid or restrictive eating habits that manifest into mental illnesses like anorexia nervosa and/or binge eating disorder.”

Expression, not suppression, is the key to addressing people-pleasing.

“People pleasers will inevitably come to a point where they realise that while their actions benefit others, they rarely benefit the pleaser,” explained Mulla. “The result is the realisation of suppressed emotions: anger, guilt, shame, and fear.”

Helping people-pleasers express these emotions healthily is crucial for their recovery. Mulla emphasised the importance of emotional regulation and learning to sit with the discomfort of disappointing others.

“Validating individuals’ experiences while challenging them to recognise the intensity and impact of their behaviours is a delicate balance that mental health professionals strive to maintain.

“But essentially what we try to do is encourage a curiosity that will promote emotional regulation. People pleasers need to actually sit with the feelings that come up when they’ve extended themselves beyond their capability and think about the emotions that come up. ‘Why did I say yes when I wanted to say no? What emotions come up when interacting with this person? If given some time to think about it, what do I really want to do in this situation?’

“What happens with people pleasers is there's such attunement to everybody else's emotions that there is a complete avoidance for the emotions that they experience. So sitting with those feelings is a key first step.”

Mulla suggested practical steps such as making a list of areas where people-pleasing occurs, identifying triggers, and gradually setting boundaries. One useful technique is to take five minutes before responding to a request, allowing time to assess whether you genuinely want to agree or are simply trying to please.

But it’s worth it to remember that while everything can be viewed through the lens of mental health, not everything is a mental health issue. The imaginary line between people-pleasing tendencies and genuine acts of service is rooted in healthy boundaries and perceived self-worth.

“Research studies have proven that doing simple acts of kindness for others has a positive effect on lifting your mood. The more connected we are, the more supportive we are to each other, the more positive emotions we will experience so it’s important to understand that we shouldn’t stop serving others altogether,” said Mulla.

Acts of kindness and support for others are beneficial when they stem from genuine desire rather than a need for approval, she mentions. “For people with healthy self-esteem and boundaries, helping others can boost their mood and create a sense of community and connectedness. Our survival as a species depends on helping each other out so it’s key to ensure these acts are reciprocated and not used as a manipulative tactic to control others.”

Boundaries — neither too rigid nor too loose — can help keep people-pleasing at bay and protect against the development of mental health issues. It’s imporant to define what is acceptable and what’s not in your relationships and can be different from relationship to relationship. A balanced approach is key to setting boundaries in order to engage in meaningful relationships, while protecting your own mental health. Below are some examples of boundary styles:

Porous Boundaries: People who fall into this category let anyone get close to them, and are overly trusting of others, even strangers. They often overshare personal information. People with loose boundaries have difficulty saying “no” to others and can be overly emotionally involved in others’ problems. They quickly adopt others’ opinions and give into others easily to avoid conflict. Overall, they don’t assert themselves when they want to and are overly passive.

Healthy Boundaries: People who fall into this category are selective about who to let into their lives and who to keep out. They take time to get to know, share information with, and build trust with others and they share personal information at appropriate times in the relationship. People with healthy boundaries have no difficulty saying “no” when needed, and can help others out without getting too involved. They value their own opinion while respecting others’ and accept conflict as a part of life. These people are steadfast in their values, but understand the importance of adapting. Overall, they can communicate assertively.

Rigid Boundaries: People who fall into this category keep others at a distance and are likely untrusting; they are guarded with personal information. These people say “no” most of the time and are unempathetic and detached from others’ problems and tend to ignore others’ opinions. They tend to avoid conflict by pushing others away and keeping them at bay. People with rigid boundaries have inflexible personal values and often communicate in an overly aggressive manner.

wknd@khaleejtimes.com