Are you a people-pleaser? Here's how to find out

According to Manaal Mulla, psychotherapist and internship programme coordinator at Dr Ola Wellness Hub, the trait of people-pleasing is rooted in our primal need for social acceptance. In ancient hunter-gatherer societies, acceptance by the tribe was crucial for survival. And while this evolutionary trait has persisted, it becomes problematic when individuals are excessively attuned to others' needs at the expense of their own, and develop negative self perceptions if they can’t meet those needs. Such hyper-attunement can lead to neglecting personal wellbeing and a diminishing sense of self causing significant mental health issues.

“People-pleasers often start as parent-pleasers,” said Mulla, who has been practising in Dubai for a little over one year. “Pleasing that caregiver, or perhaps even not pleasing them, can instil these tendencies from a young age. Consequences such as fear of abandonment, ridicule, or punitive responses drive children to prioritise others' needs over their own.”

Signs of people-pleasing in children include an inability to express their own opinions, constant deference to others, apologising often and for everything, and difficulty saying “no”.

Mulla also explained that people-pleasing is particularly reinforced in cultures where obedience is highly valued: “There is an element of self-sacrifice that is common within a lot of cultures because of that primal need for social acceptance that’s coded within our survival; you put the needs of the group over your own.’

In such environments, individuals who don't conform may face severe consequences, sometimes even abuse. This dynamic fosters a cycle where people-pleasers continually sacrifice their own needs to avoid negative outcomes, perpetuating their behaviour and the associated mental health issues.

But when self-sacrifice becomes excessive, it can lead to many issues along the line. And as people-pleasers grow older, their tendencies manifest in various ways. In academic settings, this can mean extreme anxiety before tests due to the fear of disappointing teachers and parents. In the workplace, it can lead to overworking and burnout, as individuals strive to meet others’ expectations at the cost of their own well-being. People pleasers’ constant need to please others is directly tied to their perceived self worth, and their inability to meet others’ needs can result in low self esteem, chronic anxiety, tension, and even physical symptoms such as shortness of breath, muscle stiffness, and poor digestive health.

“Another little known consequence of chronic people pleasing is eating disorders. A lot of the clients that I work with start off as people pleasers, and their relationship with control is so affected that the only thing that they can or feel like they can control is the food they eat or how they treat their bodies,” she explained. “So they develop rigid or restrictive eating habits that manifest into mental illnesses like anorexia nervosa and/or binge eating disorder.”

Expression, not suppression, is the key to addressing people-pleasing.

“People pleasers will inevitably come to a point where they realise that while their actions benefit others, they rarely benefit the pleaser,” explained Mulla. “The result is the realisation of suppressed emotions: anger, guilt, shame, and fear.”

Helping people-pleasers express these emotions healthily is crucial for their recovery. Mulla emphasised the importance of emotional regulation and learning to sit with the discomfort of disappointing others.

“Validating individuals’ experiences while challenging them to recognise the intensity and impact of their behaviours is a delicate balance that mental health professionals strive to maintain.

“But essentially what we try to do is encourage a curiosity that will promote emotional regulation. People pleasers need to actually sit with the feelings that come up when they’ve extended themselves beyond their capability and think about the emotions that come up. ‘Why did I say yes when I wanted to say no? What emotions come up when interacting with this person? If given some time to think about it, what do I really want to do in this situation?’

“What happens with people pleasers is there's such attunement to everybody else's emotions that there is a complete avoidance for the emotions that they experience. So sitting with those feelings is a key first step.”