'Being on social media amplified my triggers': YouTube star Kaushal Modha on how therapy changed her life

Born and brought up in the small town of Northampton, England, little did Kaushal Modha know that her life would take the YouTube turn that it did. Describing herself as a ‘girly girl’, Kaushal was always interested in playing dress up and putting on her Mum’s makeup while growing up. From the age of three, she would find herself doing her own hair and trying out creative ways to brush up her looks. “My parents always knew that I would get into hair and makeup and all that kind of stuff,” says the YouTube star, who has now been vlogging and creating digital content for over a decade.

Enjoying global fame through her YouTube and Instagram channel, creating beauty content, Kaushal, originally from Gujarat, India, has been part of notable brand campaigns in the UK and around the world, consistently pushing the boundaries for people of colour in the world of beauty. However, as it’s said, the grass is always greener on the other side. Kaushal’s successful YouTube career came with its own price, being a turbulent journey, in parts, where the noise of it all forced her to pause, reflect and redefine her life path.

While she continues to create beauty content on social media, her inner battles with the downsides of social media have led her to embark on a journey of mindfulness, sharing wellbeing practices online. The YouTuber recently turned into a co-author with the release of her journal, The Greatest Self-Help Book (Is the One Written By You), written alongside her husband Vex King, who enjoys a social media following of his own. Khaleej Times caught up with Kaushal, ahead of her appearance at the Emirates Airline Festival of Literature in the UAE, to deep-dive into her social media journey and the positive impact of journaling.

How were your formative years? When did your interest in makeup take root?

My love for beauty and makeup started at a very young age. As a child, I used to love painting my face with my Mum’s beauty products. Growing up, I suppose it became like a form of therapy for me. In my teens, my dad had a severe stroke, which left him completely disabled. This was when I was around 15. As a form of distraction, I’d get all my makeup out, put it on the floor and sit in front of my mirror, paint my face, take photos and put it up on social media. With so much stuff going on at home, makeup almost became my escape from all of that. The conversations around mental health weren’t as mainstream as they are today, so I didn’t know any other way to make myself feel better.

How did you venture to YouTube?

My now-husband and then partner sat me down when things in my life were just not going right. I was in a job I hated and felt like I had no control over my life. He sat me to down to figure out how I could help my situation, thinking of other options and career paths. He said to me ‘You love makeup, and you love talking. So why don’t you do YouTube?’ I very much believe in divine timing. At that moment, it all kind of worked out and I told my family that I’d be quitting my day job to give YouTube a go. I had already been doing vlogging on the side and had 40,000 subscribers on YouTube. When I took a leap of faith and gave YouTube my full attention, just by the end of that year, I had 350,000 subscribers.

You’ve been a social media personality for over a decade now. How has your journey shaped up?

It’s been amazing and I have received so much love from all over the world. I have built a lovely community online. But at the same time, it has also been a bit of a roller coaster journey. Being on social media amplified and magnified my triggers. I never thought that would happen. After about five years of doing social media, I realised that there’s a dark side to it as well. When I first started creating content, I was in the zone. I was loving what I was doing and any negative comment that I would read online, I’d just brush it under the carpet. But after years of brushing it off, I felt like social media was starting to break me. It got to a point where I was really struggling with my mental health. It was a very dark period of my life. There were so many days where I didn’t feel like waking up. I felt my self worth was deteriorating because of social media.

You also opened up about going to therapy on social media…

At the time, it was not a good space for me at all but I still really struggled with the idea of going to therapy. I remember being on holiday with my husband in 2019 just before the onset of the pandemic. We had massive arguments because of my constant triggers, which made me feel even worse about myself. I didn’t feel like myself at all. It was at the end of that trip, I said it out loud that I was going to therapy. And just saying that out loud, especially because I felt like it was taboo, felt liberating. So, I also wanted to share it with my community online.