Does being an independent woman have to mean divorce?

Miley Cyrus famously sang “ I can buy myself flowers…I can take myself dancing…I can hold my own hand…”

But while modern society celebrates female independence, the fact is, hyper-independence in women is quietly contributing to an unprecedented rise in midlife divorces.

Hyper-independence is an over-reliance on oneself, where vulnerability feels deeply triggering, and sharing emotions feels like exposure. The resulting failure to connect deeply with partners causes emotional barriers, straining long-term relationships and creating loneliness and isolation for both men and women.

Gray Divorce: A Growing Trend

The statistics are hard to ignore. Divorce rates among people over 50 — commonly referred to as “gray divorce”—have doubled since the 1990s, and women are increasingly the ones initiating these splits.

Many factors contribute to this rise, but hyper-independence, especially in women who have been in “survival mode” for years or decades, is a key factor that deserves attention.

Hyper-independence: A Real Coping Mechanism

There is an undeniable connection between childhood experiences, hyper-independence, and midlife divorce, but to fully grasp it, we must first explore how childhood shapes behaviour.

Hyper-independence is often the result of early childhood experiences such as neglect or abandonment, which leads the child to adopt a “do-it-yourself” mentality in order to best survive her circumstances.

The belief that she can only rely on herself for safety and stability initially supports all her endeavours in life, including career and family success, and so she learns to wear hyper-independence as a non-negotiable badge of honour.

The Role of Society

Hyper-independence in women is further fed by societal pressures, and women’s self-expectations to “do it all” .

Women are expected to balance careers, care-giving, and relationships without missing a beat.

And in a culture that values self-reliance and endurance, asking for help is often unthinkable.

The pressure to be the perfect partner/mother/professional often leads to burnout and feelings of deep isolation, especially when compounded by the emotional upheaval of menopause.

Midlife manifestation

This often looks like a woman struggling to rely on her partner who may or may not be reliable, feeling unable to express her emotions, fears, and needs without fear of judgement, or finding it difficult to ask for support when she feels uncertain or insecure.

For men, seeing their partners pull away emotionally without fully understanding the underlying distress can lead to feelings of helplessness. Many men don’t understand why their partners can’t lean on them. Men typically feel the need to be the strong one in the relationship but their partners hyper-independence can leave them feeling disconnected and confused.

Over time, this can lead to emotional detachment on both sides, making it harder to connect.

Women appear inaccessible in these situations and are often seen as emotionally distant or detached, and their behaviour interpreted as coldness or disinterest.

In reality, these women could be struggling with a deeply ingrained belief that asking for help could expose them to the very pain they’ve worked so hard to avoid all their lives.

The Casualty in The Perfect Storm

Many women in their 40s and 50s find themselves at a crossroads.

Physically and emotionally, they are undergoing seismic shifts, and the coping mechanisms they’ve relied on for so long — self-sufficiency, control, perfectionism — can start to feel more like burdens than strengths.

As their bodies change, many women start to reassess their relationships, their roles, and their personal needs. They start to question the components of their life’s purposes.

For women with hyper-independent tendencies, this self-assessment can be brutal. The emotional armour they’ve worn for years begins to feel suffocating. The realisation that they’ve never truly leaned on anyone — least of all their spouse — can be jarring.

The gap between real emotional needs and the hyper-independent façade can widen, and the personal pressure intensifies.

Something has to give. Far too often, the casualty is the marriage.

Healing the Divide: What women can do

1.Acknowledge Trauma: The first step in healing is recognising that hyper-independence is often a trauma-based response. Therapy, particularly trauma-informed approaches, can help women unpack the emotional baggage they’ve carried for years and start to challenge the belief that they must face everything alone.

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