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How to build your child's self esteem

And help them develop a robust sense of self

Read more...

By Ghenwa Yehia

Published: Thu 29 Aug 2024, 5:51 PM

Two young women. Two similar stories. But different experiences led them along different paths when it came to developing confidence and self-esteem.

Shweta Kinkale, a 26-year-old e-commerce writer in Dubai, grew up in an environment where beauty and thinness were often praised. By age seven, she had concluded she wasn’t beautiful and wished she could change her body.

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“In our culture, people point out if you’ve put on weight, or you aren’t pretty by ‘normal’ standards,” Kinkale said. “My aunties told me that I’m getting chubby all the time. I was just a kid. I started worrying about this stuff way too early.”

Zain Basalat, a 20-year-old journalism student at the American University of Sharjah, had access to Facebook and Instagram at just 10. Her obsession with influencers, combined with a lack of understanding of digital manipulation like Photoshop and filters, eroded her self-esteem.

“Their faces looked perfect—flawless. I was a kid, unsupervised, and obsessed with social media. Their appearance became my own standard of beauty, and I became insecure, especially about my nose,” Zain recalled.

Dr Saqib Latif

Both women reached a turning point when they opened up to their parents about their insecurities. Their parents provided support, albeit in different ways, which helped them on their journeys to self-acceptance.

“There is no substitute to providing adolescents with a safe space to express their insecurities and self-doubts with non-judgemental listening,” explained Dr Saqib Latif FRCPsych, Clinical Lead Children Services and Consultant Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist at Maudsley Health Abu Dhabi. “Open communication validates feelings and normalises vulnerabilities, helping kids understand that everyone experiences them, and that it is OK to feel uncertain and insecure at times.

“If your pre-teens and teens are coming to you with their problems, that’s the first win.”

The Need to Belong

Kinkale’s parents were initially shocked by her insecurities but used the opportunity to shift her focus.

“My parents reassured me, told me I’m beautiful, and they love me no matter what—the typical things parents say. But they also pushed me to focus on my whole self—my talents, my character, my mind. As I grew older, how I look became a small part of who I am, not the whole part. I’m grateful for the support they gave me,” she said.

Dr. Latif emphasised that many adolescent insecurities stem from the innate human need to belong. Young people often place value on what they see gets rewarded with praise, popularity, acceptance, and love.

“When your kids know they belong to the family unit and feel psychologically safe and accepted just as they are, it sets the foundation for confidence and self-esteem,” he explained.

Parents play a crucial role in reinforcing positive self-worth by praising their children for their character and actions rather than their appearance. Complimenting kindness, bravery, empathy, creativity, and problem-solving skills helps build a more robust sense of self.

Zain Basalat

The Impact of External Influences

By 17, Zain underwent rhinoplasty and later under-eye filler injections.

“After weeks of debating and many carefully supervised doctor visits, we went ahead with it. My parents supported my decision—they just wanted to see me happy. But I wish they hadn’t, because I completely regret getting a nose job at such a young age. Plastic surgery can snowball, and it doesn’t bring happiness when there are deeper issues behind your dissatisfaction,” Zain reflected.

Adolescents don’t grow up in a bubble. Dr. Latif noted that children are increasingly vulnerable to insecurities due to exposure to unrealistic beauty standards and manipulated digital media.

“Depending on their developmental maturity, talk proactively about beauty standards—whether cultural or media-driven. Share your own experiences and what you’ve had to unlearn. These conversations are crucial,” Dr. Latif advised.

Media literacy helps teens understand that not everything online is real and that images on social media can be edited to create unrealistic beauty standards. Knowing influencers may be paid to promote certain messages can prevent harmful comparisons. Co-viewing social media with teens can give parents insight into their thought process and how media affects them.

Parents and caregivers are also instrumental in modeling body positivity. “Kids do as they see. Avoid negative body comments about yourself or others, and focus on what bodies can do, not how they look. Celebrate diversity and appreciate everyone’s uniqueness without comparison, even among siblings and peers,” Dr. Latif advised.

Shweta Kinkale

Lessons from Experience

Kinkale and Basalat's journey with self-acceptance and confidence is ongoing. “I still have insecurities, but my parents are my rock. I’m stronger for having supportive parents,” Kinkale said.

Basalat’s parents encouraged therapy after plastic surgery didn’t boost her confidence. Theirs, too, was a learning curve. They came to understand her issues went deeper than the surface.

She was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a mental disorder that causes persistent, intense focus, shame and anxiety over perceived body defects, and has since spent years unpacking beauty standards.

“Therapy, self-help books, limiting social media, and my religion have helped me understand that my self-worth lies outside the way I look. I now look forward to ageing naturally, gracefully. Whatever you consume, you become. Choose wisely," she concluded.

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Ghenwa Yehia

Published: Thu 29 Aug 2024, 5:51 PM

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