Why do some people feel the need to over-explain everything?

Forty-five-year-old Sara says: “I tried, but I could never stop myself from over-explaining. I would hear myself, but the need to continue was overwhelming. Every conversation was hard.”

She adds, “It was exhausting and confusing. But now that you have helped me understand the deep roots of my behaviour, my life has changed profoundly. Thank you.”

This powerful testimonial highlights the good news: the tendency to over-explain things can be overcome.

What is overexplaining?

Over-explaining is an excessive need to explain actions, situations, or thoughts.

It is a frustrating trait that many adults grapple with, but the pressure to over-explain is not merely a bad habit: it is very often rooted in deeper psychological upsets.

The Genesis of Over-Explaining: A Childhood Defence Mechanism

Renowned Canadian trauma expert, Dr. Gabor Maté, explains that children in perpetually stressful, unstable environments will often develop an increased sensitivity to the reactions of others.

This hyper-awareness can lead to over-explaining as a means to strategically lessen any potential criticism or disapproval.

Over-explaining thus becomes a shield, a way for children to proactively defend their actions to ensure they are not misunderstood or rejected.

Survival, safety, and approval

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, Dutch psychiatrist and a pioneer in trauma research, emphasises that early experiences of trauma or instability can imprint long-lasting patterns of behaviour that are aimed purely at securing safety and approval.

Children will develop the habit to avoid punishment, to cope with neglect, or to avoid excessive emotional pain.

Whether dealing with overly critical parents, inconsistent care-giving, or traumatic events, children develop over-explaining as a life strategy to avoid punishment, gain approval, or to make sense of chaotic surroundings. Over-explaining thus becomes critical for their survival.

From Childhood to Adulthood

As these children grow into adults, the habit of over-explaining can become deeply ingrained. But what served a protective function in childhood often leads to anxiety and strained relationships in adulthood. Over-explainers constantly fear they won’t be taken seriously, or that their credibility is under question.

Manifestations: Childhood

This can be observed in school settings where a child might provide exhaustive explanations for their work/lack of work, fearing that a simple answer might not be sufficient.

Teachers might notice this as a sign of a deeper need for reassurance and validation.

Manifestations: Adulthood

Adults who habitually over-explain do not do so consciously. It is often a deep-rooted attempt to avert possible criticism, avoid conflict, or gain validation.

Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, points out that over-explaining is often rooted in a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and shame. She explains that people who over-explain are often trying to control how others perceive them, and is a bid to minimise their feelings of inadequacy or insecurity.

Over-explaining can range from long-winded emails and lengthy justifications during meetings, to excessive descriptions in casual conversations and social settings.

Professionally, it can hinder communication, as colleagues may perceive over-explainers as lacking confidence or being overly defensive. It can further undermine a person’s perceived competence, leading to professional setbacks

The Impact of Over-Explaining

Friends, partners and colleagues often feel wearied by the unnecessary barrage of details, creating friction and misunderstandings, and social avoidance of the over-explainer.

The emotional toll on the over-explainer can be significant, as they might feel isolated and misunderstood, ironically reinforcing their need to over-explain.

Constantly needing to explain oneself can erode self-esteem, promote anxiety, and lead to feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion.

The Link to unresolved Trauma