The second edition of We The Women, that will take place on October 16 at The Address Skyview
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Forty-five-year-old Sara says: “I tried, but I could never stop myself from over-explaining. I would hear myself, but the need to continue was overwhelming. Every conversation was hard.”
She adds, “It was exhausting and confusing. But now that you have helped me understand the deep roots of my behaviour, my life has changed profoundly. Thank you.”
This powerful testimonial highlights the good news: the tendency to over-explain things can be overcome.
Over-explaining is an excessive need to explain actions, situations, or thoughts.
It is a frustrating trait that many adults grapple with, but the pressure to over-explain is not merely a bad habit: it is very often rooted in deeper psychological upsets.
Renowned Canadian trauma expert, Dr. Gabor Maté, explains that children in perpetually stressful, unstable environments will often develop an increased sensitivity to the reactions of others.
This hyper-awareness can lead to over-explaining as a means to strategically lessen any potential criticism or disapproval.
Over-explaining thus becomes a shield, a way for children to proactively defend their actions to ensure they are not misunderstood or rejected.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, Dutch psychiatrist and a pioneer in trauma research, emphasises that early experiences of trauma or instability can imprint long-lasting patterns of behaviour that are aimed purely at securing safety and approval.
Children will develop the habit to avoid punishment, to cope with neglect, or to avoid excessive emotional pain.
Whether dealing with overly critical parents, inconsistent care-giving, or traumatic events, children develop over-explaining as a life strategy to avoid punishment, gain approval, or to make sense of chaotic surroundings. Over-explaining thus becomes critical for their survival.
From Childhood to Adulthood
As these children grow into adults, the habit of over-explaining can become deeply ingrained. But what served a protective function in childhood often leads to anxiety and strained relationships in adulthood. Over-explainers constantly fear they won’t be taken seriously, or that their credibility is under question.
Manifestations: Childhood
This can be observed in school settings where a child might provide exhaustive explanations for their work/lack of work, fearing that a simple answer might not be sufficient.
Teachers might notice this as a sign of a deeper need for reassurance and validation.
Adults who habitually over-explain do not do so consciously. It is often a deep-rooted attempt to avert possible criticism, avoid conflict, or gain validation.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, points out that over-explaining is often rooted in a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and shame. She explains that people who over-explain are often trying to control how others perceive them, and is a bid to minimise their feelings of inadequacy or insecurity.
Over-explaining can range from long-winded emails and lengthy justifications during meetings, to excessive descriptions in casual conversations and social settings.
Professionally, it can hinder communication, as colleagues may perceive over-explainers as lacking confidence or being overly defensive. It can further undermine a person’s perceived competence, leading to professional setbacks
Friends, partners and colleagues often feel wearied by the unnecessary barrage of details, creating friction and misunderstandings, and social avoidance of the over-explainer.
The emotional toll on the over-explainer can be significant, as they might feel isolated and misunderstood, ironically reinforcing their need to over-explain.
Constantly needing to explain oneself can erode self-esteem, promote anxiety, and lead to feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion.
The connection between over-explaining and trauma is well-documented.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains how traumatic experiences can fundamentally alter the brain’s stress response systems. This alteration often leaves individuals hyper vigilant and prone to over-explaining as a means of managing anxiety and maintaining a sense of control.
Van der Kolk highlights that trauma survivors may over-explain to ensure they are not misinterpreted or blamed, reflecting a deep-seated fear rooted in past experiences. This behaviour is particularly dominant among those with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, where the trauma is not a single event but a series of prolonged or repeated traumatic incidents.
It would be great if we could simply tell someone to stop over-explaining. But this is a learned behaviour that requires more than surface level intervention: A multifaceted approach is needed to help individuals process lasting change.
Trauma-Informed Therapy: As advocated by specialists like Maté and van der Kolk, trauma-informed work offers a path to understanding and healing deeply rooted behaviours. It involves the uncomfortable task of acknowledging past distresses, understanding their impact on mind and body, and integrating these experiences in order to move forward in a different way.
Because trauma occurs in the absence of an empathetic other, it is critical to work with a trained professional who will provide the safety, and the tools, necessary to change these patterns of behaviour.
Practical Communication Strategies: Once the deeper roots have been tended, learning effective communication strategies, such as setting boundaries, using ‘I’ statements and practising active listening can help you convey thoughts and feelings without over-explaining.
Self-Awareness and Mindfulness: Developing self-awareness through mindfulness practices can help you recognise patterns of over-explaining. Techniques such as journaling, meditation, or mindful breathing can create a helpful space for introspection and self-reflection.
Confidence-Building Exercises: Engaging in activities that build self-confidence can reduce the compulsion to seek external validation. This can include public speaking, assertiveness training, martial arts, and actively setting personal boundaries
Seeking Feedback: Engaging trusted friends or mentors to provide kind feedback on communication habits can offer insights and support in curbing over-explaining tendencies.
Over-explaining is a learned behaviour that is deeply intertwined with personal history and the emotional landscape of childhood. It requires a compassionate and informed approach to untangle these roots and foster new, healthy communication patterns.
By understanding its origins, acknowledging its impact, and actively seeking to address it, you can reduce the anxiety and hyper vigilance that drive over-explaining.
You can absolutely embrace a future of empowered, authentic communication with confidence and clarity.
For support, got to www.drgeraldine.com (trauma-certified professional)
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