Why do women chase perfectionism during menopause and perimenopause?

If you're a woman navigating the rocky roads of menopause or perimenopause, chances are you're experiencing more than just hot flashes and mood swings

By Geraldine Naidoo

Published: Fri 11 Oct 2024, 1:56 AM

At 45, Sarah had it all—a successful career, a loving family, and a life that appeared flawless from the outside.

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But beneath the polished surface, she was slowly and steadily unravelling. As her body began experiencing the disruptive effects of perimenopause, her need to be perfect in every aspect of life intensified her symptoms, leaving her constantly anxious, exhausted, and wrung out.

Like many women going through midlife, Sarah’s perfectionism was becoming too heavy for her to bear, and she soon reached breaking point.

If you’re a woman navigating the rocky roads of menopause or perimenopause, chances are you’re experiencing more than just hot flashes and mood swings. Perfectionism often intensifies as hormonal shifts magnify its already overwhelming grip.

But it doesn’t have to be this way!

Here’s how I helped Sarah understand her behaviour:

Perfect Protection

Perfectionism believes that being “flawless” will protect you from judgement, failure and criticism.

•If I do this perfectly, then no one can judge me and I will be safe.

•If this project is perfect, then I will be seen as good enough

•If the details are all 930 then I can’t possibly fail!

Sounds a bit like fear in disguise doesn’t it?

From childhood expectations, past experiences of criticism that felt like critical rejection, and societal pressures, let’s explore how and why it gets worse during menopause.

Perfectionism: The Roots

Perfectionism often roots itself in childhood experiences where life was uncertain, unpredictable, or chaotic, and the only way to regain any semblance of order and safety was to do things perfectly!

The learning during these times of duress, and the accompanying belief, is that if you do every-thing perfectly, then there is a guarantee that nothing can possibly go wrong thereafter.

To protect yourself from the uncertainty and lack of control, you overwork, overthink, and con-stantly self criticize in an attempt to keep yourself “safe” from further chaos around you.

Trauma survivors—especially those who’ve endured childhood emotional neglect, criticism, or in-stability—frequently adopt perfectionism as a survival strategy.

For many women, trauma-based perfectionism may manifest as:

•Setting unrealistic standards for yourself

•Constantly needing to prove your worth.

•Fear of failure, rejection, or letting others down.

•Struggling to delegate/outsource/ask for help

•Relentless self-criticism.

•Feeling like you’re only as good as your latest achievement.

This is not sustainable.

Why Perfectionism Intensifies During Menopause and Perimenopause

Menopause and perimenopause bring about huge physical and emotional shifts. Hormonal chang-es, especially the decline of estrogen and progesterone, affect the brain’s emotional regulation, and many women experience heightened anxiety, depression, and irritability.

If you’ve relied on perfectionism as a coping mechanism, here’s how it can impact you during these years:

1.Increased Anxiety: Menopause feels unpredictable. From mood swings to hot flashes, everything feels out of control. Perfectionism, which feeds on the need for control, can spi-ral out of control, leading to heightened anxiety/overwhelm.

2.Self-Criticism Peaks: As hormonal changes affect your body and mind, you may feel like you’re no longer “doing enough.” Whether it’s about your work, relationships, or physical appearance, perfectionism amplifies feelings of inadequacy.

3.Burnout & Exhaustion: Trying to maintain a façade of perfection during an already stressful time can easily lead to burnout, fatigue, and emotional exhaustion—common is-sues during perimenopause.

How to Fix It:

While these patterns may feel ingrained, the good news is that you can start unwinding perfection-ism and regain a sense of peace. Working with a qualified therapist is first prize, but here’s how to begin the process for yourself:

Acknowledge the Root of Perfectionism

Recognizing that perfectionism is rooted in past experiences can help you reframe how you view yourself. It’s not a flaw—it’s a learned response to protect yourself, and it began as a need for earning approval and avoiding blame.

Practice Self-Compassion

The antidote to perfectionism is self-compassion. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend. Let go of unrealistic expectations, and embrace the possibility that you are enough just as you are.

Rather than ignoring pain or being consumed by it, Self-compassion includes being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.

By practicing self-compassion, you allow yourself to be imperfect—and still worthy of love.

Set Boundaries & Realistic Goals

Perfectionists often over commit, thinking they need to excel at everything. During menopause, it’s essential to set clear boundaries to protect your energy. Focus on the things that truly matter to you, and let go of tasks that don’t serve your well-being.

Instead of asking, “How can I do everything perfectly?” try asking, “What’s good enough for to-day?”

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Perfectionism thrives on negative self-talk, but simple mindset shifts can have a profound effect over time.

When your inner critic starts piping up, challenge those thoughts. Is it really true that you have to be perfect to be valuable or loved? What is the fear that arises within you?

Making mistakes is part of being human. Try this affirmation: I am worthy of love and respect, even when things aren’t perfect.

Seek Support

Perfectionism can be hard to tackle alone, especially if it’s tied to deeper trauma. Don’t hesitate to seek professional support. Therapy can help you identify and reframe perfectionist thinking pat-terns.

There are also menopause support groups where women can openly share their struggles, which can be a powerful reminder that you’re not alone.

Embracing Imperfection in Midlife

Perimenopause and menopause is a time of massive transition. If you are consumed by being perfect during this time, know that you are not alone, and that perfectionism is a protective response that has outlived it usefulness!

Midlife is a time for you to embrace your authentic self—flaws and all—and live with more free-dom and peace. You can learn new ways to feel secure, and reduce chaos

Midlife is an invitation to replace perfection with balance, joy, and self-love for the win!

For support www.drgeraldine.com

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