Raising polite kids: Why good manners matter

Dear Children,

A few days ago, I discovered an old photograph of mine, probably taken when I was in my early teens. The image I saw suggested it was a bad day for me, or I wasn’t the most cheerful kid around in those times. I don’t know. Turns out that, back then, I was a fairly ill-tempered and obstinate child, prone to pulling a long face at the drop of a hat. It is a description I am not proud of today. The only way I can look at it today without feeling miserable about it is by attributing it all to the phase of transitioning from childhood to adulthood. The angst of adolescence. I didn’t know how to handle it then; I hope I will be able to help you handle it now.

No one is spared from the turbulence that this period brings into our lives, and the challenges are often so unspecified and vague that we end up venting it on our parents in unpleasant ways. We are not to blame; it is the biology, but that doesn’t give us the permission to behave badly with anyone. The only way we can rein in our shifting moods during this time is, first, by being aware of it. Knowing that we are going through changes will help us understand the inconsistent pattens of our behaviour more rationally and encourage us to correct ourselves when we err.

Take a moment to pause and reflect on what makes you aggressive or arrogant towards your parents, at times. Agreed, parents often deny you the space and freedom that you crave, but that’s not the root cause of your impertinence. What makes you regard your parents as hostile is your urge to establish your identity as an individual and assert your independence. You no longer wish to be treated as a ‘child’, but at the same time, your parents realise that you aren’t grown enough to be let off the hook. The result is a clash of two generations.

We get it – you want to feel heard and validated. You want to tell the world that you have a mind of your own. But it can be done without being belligerent or aggressive; by practising assertive but respectful communication that will convince your parents of your responsible behaviour. What you do by using ‘back answering’ as a tool is to create an image of being a habitual tantrum-thrower. And that’s surely not how you’d like people to remember you years later?