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Raising polite kids: Why good manners matter

Kids, take a moment to pause and reflect on what makes you aggressive or arrogant towards your parents

Dear Children,

A few days ago, I discovered an old photograph of mine, probably taken when I was in my early teens. The image I saw suggested it was a bad day for me, or I wasn’t the most cheerful kid around in those times. I don’t know. Turns out that, back then, I was a fairly ill-tempered and obstinate child, prone to pulling a long face at the drop of a hat. It is a description I am not proud of today. The only way I can look at it today without feeling miserable about it is by attributing it all to the phase of transitioning from childhood to adulthood. The angst of adolescence. I didn’t know how to handle it then; I hope I will be able to help you handle it now.

No one is spared from the turbulence that this period brings into our lives, and the challenges are often so unspecified and vague that we end up venting it on our parents in unpleasant ways. We are not to blame; it is the biology, but that doesn’t give us the permission to behave badly with anyone. The only way we can rein in our shifting moods during this time is, first, by being aware of it. Knowing that we are going through changes will help us understand the inconsistent pattens of our behaviour more rationally and encourage us to correct ourselves when we err.

Take a moment to pause and reflect on what makes you aggressive or arrogant towards your parents, at times. Agreed, parents often deny you the space and freedom that you crave, but that’s not the root cause of your impertinence. What makes you regard your parents as hostile is your urge to establish your identity as an individual and assert your independence. You no longer wish to be treated as a ‘child’, but at the same time, your parents realise that you aren’t grown enough to be let off the hook. The result is a clash of two generations.

We get it – you want to feel heard and validated. You want to tell the world that you have a mind of your own. But it can be done without being belligerent or aggressive; by practising assertive but respectful communication that will convince your parents of your responsible behaviour. What you do by using ‘back answering’ as a tool is to create an image of being a habitual tantrum-thrower. And that’s surely not how you’d like people to remember you years later?

Having a voice of your own and not being afraid of using it is a good trait that we must all develop as we grow up; having debates with parents is a healthy practice; but they must all be done within the boundaries of good conduct. Even though parents often dismiss your aggression as ‘childish’ and be willing to forgive you for your transgressions, frequent run-ins with parents for trivial reasons will pain them and mar the cordial atmosphere at home. The tension it creates will impact you in many ways and reflect in your academic performance and social behaviour.

Back answering is not a promising strategy to establish your identity, although it will give you a brief sense of victory and empowerment. The best way to let the world know that you are maturing into a sensible adult is by behaving like one. And like all good things in life, it won’t be easy, but it is not impossible if you put your mind to it. The next time you feel the urge to yell at your parents, pause and ask, “Will I be proud of this act years later?”

Until next, keep glowing; keep growing.

wknd@khaleejtimes.com