Why love can never be 'disabled'

Believe it: happily-ever-afters are on the cards for the physically challenged too

A hearing-impaired artist, who points to his ring finger and laughs when asked about his dreams for the future. A couple, both disabled because of polio, grateful for each other and their healthy son. A father who got to walk his Down syndrome-affected daughter down the aisle. A United Nations humanitarian with a rare genetic disease, who has often been told how "lucky" she is that her husband, a former US Army Ranger veteran, married her.

I've had a lot of interactions with members of the disabled community in the last five years. But if there's one thing I took away from all those exchanges, it was this: all any of them want is a 'regular' life. They want to be accepted by society, to access places with ease, and to work or study without discrimination - but, above all, they want to love and be loved.

Yet, when you're disabled, one of the first searching questions you become all too familiar with is: will I ever find love? It doesn't help that proposals become exercises in humiliation, prospective suitors are often looking to take advantage of you, and people - loved ones - are constantly telling you to 'compromise and take what you can get' because that's all the disabled can expect. Which is why it restores your hope in humanity to come across people like 25-year-old Virali Modi and 26-year-old Dhyaan Kumar Savania. One became wheelchair-bound after an attack of malaria in 2006 resulted in her paralysis from the neck down; the other is perfectly able-bodied. Both don't care for stereotypes.

"I've had a lot of men message me online, saying, 'You're in a wheelchair, you'll never find love, I'll marry you'," says Virali, who commands a 78,000-strong fan following on popular Q&A website Quora. "It was ludicrous." The aspiring model, who won the runner-up position at the Miss Wheelchair India pageant in 2014, didn't always see it as clearly as she does now. "I used to see my disability as a liability too," she says. "I was very young when I became wheelchair-bound. When I saw all my friends going on dates, that was problematic for me, because I thought no one would ever appreciate me or want me because of my disability." The fear of never finding love became one she could relate to only too well - till she met her first boyfriend at the age of 20. But things didn't end well, and by the time her second relationship went bust, Virali was ready to call it quits for good. "I'd given up on finding someone to respect me for who I am, rather than feeling sympathetic towards me because of my disability."

That's when she met Dhyaan. "They say when you stop looking for something, it just comes for you," laughs Virali. "That's kind of how my third relationship came about. It's going to be four years in November - and it's been nothing but a blessing."

Dhyaan identifies himself as a Zimbabwean. He tells the story of how the duo met in an accent very telling of his upbringing in the African country - and not without a sense of dry humour. He came across Virali's profile on a popular matrimonial website and, impressed by her life story of overcoming all odds, sent her a request to connect - which she declined ("I know it sounds pretty shallow, but the pictures on his profile were horrible," laughs Virali). However, the two later connected on Facebook and got talking - and the rest, as they say, is history.

When Dhyaan talks about their relationship, he describes it as having "a lot of ups and downs, as with every relationship" - but not once does he talk about Virali's disability being one of them. The long-distance equation has been tough on them: while Virali splits her time between Kansas City, US, and Mumbai, India, Dhyaan works as a warehouse manager in Zimbabwe. There was also some amount of initial opposition from their loved ones. But the difference between this relationship and any of her previous ones, says Virali, is that Dhyaan "respects me for me. Our relationship doesn't revolve around my disability."

Society hasn't always been as kind. There has been a lot of negative feedback because of my disability, she admits. "When that happens, we're sure to talk about it and move on. We don't ignore it. We're just two people that don't focus on what other people say about our relationship. And I think it's our communication, understanding and respect for each other that's helping us make this work."

THROUGH THICK AND THIN: Virali with her parents

For his part, Dhyaan - who will be moving to India in a few weeks - tells of how people tried to discourage him, telling him Virali would be a burden. "I've always told them to mind their own business. People have this mindset. They look down on the disabled. Why? We're all born the same way, we're all going to die the same way. And disability is not the fault of the disabled - they're just as human as able-bodied people. And they too deserve a normal life. Virali is very independent and has an amazing personality," he continues. "That's what I love about her. Her disability has never been a problem - and while I do see challenges ahead, I don't see any that aren't normal for any other couple; nothing that we can't fight out together."

Since her paralysis, Virali - who has been making much progress through stem cell treatment, and who hopes to walk again some day - has moulded herself into a self-styled motivational speaker, offering inspiration and sharing her story, mostly through Quora. "When God takes something from you, He gives you something in return," she reflects. "I learnt so much because of my disability; I changed to become the best possible version of myself. And I learnt that you need to respect and love yourself before you can expect anyone else to do the same for you." The pretty youngster says this as someone who remained in an abusive relationship for two years, just because she was "afraid of being alone" or never being with anyone again. "At the end of the day, whether a relationship works out or not, when you're alone in a room, if you can't love who you are, how can you expect anyone else to love or accept you?"

Despair is not the answer and neither is compromise or jumping the gun. "My generation is always running after love. Everybody is in love with the idea of being in love. 'How will his last name sound with my name?' is all they're thinking about. Love is a messy emotion," she cautions. "But it's also not impossible to find just because of a physical condition. Focus on becoming the best possible version of yourself. I believe love will find you."

karen@khaleejtimes.com

• Lifestyle