Why older women date younger men

In the early 2000s, the Internet had been redefining the idea of romance. In India, many such intimacies began to form at the cyber cafes neatly tucked inside bustling lanes. It was in one such café in Mumbai that Mona Srivastava (name changed)would meet Bala Jain. Mona, new to the world of emails, had just opened her first Hotmail account and often found herself struggling to remember how it worked. Bala, who would visit the café often to edit his films (this was the time when digital was replacing analog), was only too happy to help. Technical enquiries made way for philosophical ruminations. Several conversations and coffee breaks later, Mona and Bala realised what was brewing between them was something more than fondness. "I still remember a time when I called him over for lunch. While I was cooking, he spelt out what I was thinking about," says Mona, without divulging the contents of their exchange. As attraction blossomed into love, the M-word started doing the rounds of their conversation. Mona, however, was in two minds. Reason?
She was 33 while Bala was 19.
Overcoming her personal inhibitions, Mona finally consented to the marriage. Bala, on his part, made it easier as he began to turn any conversation around their age difference into funny one-liners. "I will take care of you in your old age," he'd often joke. Today, the couple has been married for 17 years and have a son.
Not too long ago, an older woman in a relationship with a younger man made for a fantasy that had better chances of playing out smoothly in one's imagination rather than in reality. Today, several layers have been added to the understanding of such relationships, with more women choosing younger companions and vice-versa. Are these relationships radically different? How does the asymmetry determine power dynamics? The answers lie in a clinical breakdown of notions that were once cited to make a case against such relationships.
Creating the stereotype
Until two decades ago, says Tara Wyne, clinical director at Lighthouse Arabia, an older woman pursuing a relationship with a younger man was seen as unbecoming, even shameful. "The practice was almost seen as if she were preying on someone vulnerable and indeed not abiding by societal rules. Older women aren't necessarily meant to be actively engaging in non-platonic relationships; if they aren't attached by a certain age, then they must accept rather than seek a partnership with a younger man."
Popular culture often tends to define the indefinable, thereby simplifying what need not be simplified. With the 2001 book Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men, the term 'cougar' was etched in popular imagination as it came to define the idea of a woman in her 40s seeking a physical relationship with a much younger man. "Television and media normalised the practice of almost edifying 'cougars'," says Wyne. There are two fundamental problems with this label: a) it tends to portray the woman as the initiator, maybe even a sexual predator and b) in doing so, affords little agency to the other person in the relationship - the man.
The feminist movement of the '60s saw women across the world stepping out of their prescribed domestic roles to seek financial independence. As jobs began to fulfil that aspect, careers became more important. Today, this very quest for financial independence sees women 'delaying' marriages, even relationships, to pursue careers. Nandini R. Iyer, a New Delhi-based journalist, explains, "Twelve years ago, when I met my husband - then boyfriend - I was 32 and he was 29. I don't think 20 years ago, there would have been too many women who were single or unattached at that age. Women often decide to focus on their career growth and delay marriages. So, by the time they're able to achieve their goals by, say, mid-30s or early 40s, they feel like they're more prepared for committed relationships. However, in comparison, there are fewer men in that age group who are single."

Nandini R. Iyer with husband Shailander Chauhan
The templates may not have changed radically for men. Most men are not rushed into marriages, and neither do they have to factor in a biological clock that might be ticking. As a result, they may not see companionships as hindrance to their career goals.
The 'younger' men, on the other hand, have been brought up by women who have striven for freedom and have assumed wider roles outside of domesticity. "Hence their expectations from an older companion is far less as compared to the older men. They may have more balanced views on roles within relationships," says Wyne. As a result, when a younger man pursues an older woman, the relationship tends to be less transactional.

Who's the boss?
Before pondering over why older women get into relationships with younger men, it is equally important to examine why younger women marry older men. Making a case for the latter, it is often said that men mature later in comparison to women and, hence, when a younger woman is in a relationship with an older man, they're emotionally more evenly matched. Except that it isn't always so. Power in a relationship manifests itself emotionally, physically and financially. A reason why the notion that only an older man can provide emotional stability to a younger woman feels a little too simplistic. Take, for instance, Kanchi Das, a Dubai-based educator married to HR professional Sudeep Das, who is six years younger to her. The couple got married when Sudeep was 29 and Kanchi was 35. "Though my husband is younger than me, I find he has better answers to the problems in our relationship. He is a human resources professional, and hence, his people skills are way more evolved than mine. So, if there is any conflict fostering in my personal or professional life, I find myself turning to him for advice."

Sudeep and Kanchi Das
This, however, may not be the case always. Tara Wyne contends that with younger men and older women, the female's maturity and experience may help imbue her with more power and influence. "It may be more of a level-playing field, and the male will be less expected to lead and direct the relationship, less pressurised to be the one who decides if the relationship will deepen and continue."
Traditionally, an older man has been perceived as a 'prospective' partner also because of the financial stability he brings to the table. This perception, however, has gone through a churning. With many millennials joining workforce early, financial stability is coming earlier than before and the norms for what defines success are changing rapidly. The question to then ask is: Could an older woman wielding financial muscle in a relationship actually exercise greater control over it? As Wyne contends, "Younger men also come with the expectation that their older partners will be able to 'do it all' - they may even expect them to be perfect partners, breadwinners, homemakers because they aren't limited by gender and roles. It could indeed relax expectations that the male should be the provider and create higher expectations that the older female is an equal partner, shouldering the same level of burden." With their steep age difference, when 33-year-old Mona married 19-year-old Bala, it was obvious that she would be the sole breadwinner in the family for some time. Given he had just started working, Mona decided her monthly salary of INR 12,000 (Dh679) would be divided between the two of them. While she used her share of INR6000 (Dh339) to take care of all household expenses, 19-year-old Bala saw his share as his pocket money. It wasn't until four years later when Bala became the primary breadwinner that the roles reversed.
The perceptions
At 50, one of the biggest challenges for Mona is to handle her 17-year-old son, who is not used to seeing a mother with greying hair while his father's are yet to show signs of ageing. "A few days ago, he walked up to me and started complaining about how my hair had started greying while his friends' mothers still had black hair. I had stopped dyeing my hair, but started colouring it all over again. I even cut it short," says Mona, adding that it is perhaps more difficult to get a child at an impressionable age to understand what the age difference between two parents entails.
The challenges are not absent when the age difference is a measly three years. But developing a sense of humour can take you a long way, says Nandini. For instance, when a Census official came to their house, he thought her husband Shailander was the older one despite the couple repeatedly telling him that it was the other way around. If he was stunned after having realised that Nandini was the older one in the relationship, he made no attempts to hide it. However, there is yet another interesting dynamic in her family. "My husband also has an older brother whose wife, Anika, is younger than me. So when the traditional Indian festivals are celebrated and as the wife of the younger brother, I am supposed to take the dust off her feet, Anika and I joke about who needs to touch whose feet, given I am the older one."
Childbirth
The biological clock is ticking. For married women in their 30s, this is a warning that eventually becomes a refrain. With the widely held belief that a woman's fertility dips drastically after 35, it's not uncommon for them to live with these reminders time and again. The refrains multiply when the woman in the marriage is older. While, biologically, childbearing could make sense, for the relationship, it often comes prematurely, as it did for Sudeep and Kanchi. Sudeep, all of 29 when he exchanged vows with Kanchi, was adamant that for the first two years, there would be no family planning. Eventually, families stepped in to coax the couple to have a child through IVF. Finally, they decided to have a child the normal way. Mona, on the other hand, adopted a child after being warned of complications in pregnancy.
The larger question then is - could having child become a deciding factor in two people coming together? That depends on whether the couple in question see it as a defining moment in their relationship. "Not all relationships are defined by having children. If a younger man has chosen a relationship with an older woman, he might be cognizant of the possibility that they may not be able to have children biologically. The biological clock of the older woman cannot determine the closeness and deepening of the relationship," says Wyne. Reams of articles and a spate of self-help books will have you believe that the secret to a happy relationship lays buried in a few pages. The secret, in fact, is that there are no secrets at all!
anamika@khaleejtimes.com