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How Republicans are making us read the Bible

JEEPERS creepers, the Republicans’ dirty secret is out. The Democrats who are filibustering Congress are against people of faith. Leading the attack is Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who speaks for all of God’s Children in the GOP.

Zack the Zealot clued me in.

I asked, "Are you calling everyone who filibusters against judicial nominees an infidel?"

He replied, "What would you call them?"

I said, "Some of my best friends are Democrats, and I personally know several who go to church."

"That doesn’t mean they have any faith. You can’t believe in the Almighty if you don’t believe in President Bush."

I said, "I see what you mean, but if you play the religious card, aren’t you tearing down the wall between church and state?"

"You don’t win political elections unless you mix the two."

"If you declare Democrats people of no faith, what happens to the two-party system?"

"We will be stronger than ever, God willing."

"Is there some other way of attacking the opposition than calling them infidels?"

"The big lie is always the best. You hear it once, you hear it twice, and decide where there’s smoke there’s fire. The third time you hear it, you’re sure it’s true."

I said, "I have a solution. Let the filibuster rule stand, but a senator may only read from the Bible."

"Sen. Frist has rejected that. He wants an up-and-down vote on judges who will adhere strictly to the Constitution, and will make rulings to satisfy the religious right."

I asked, "Do your people believe that the Devil works for the other side?"

"More than that, we believe that all the Democrats will go to hell."

"And the GOP will go to heaven?" "That’s a given."

"So in the next election, the people will be asked to decide between the Devil and God as their commander in chief?"

"That is what the Founding Fathers had in mind."

"I knew the Devil would be somewhere, but you can’t say he is working in the halls of Congress."

"Where do you think he would be working?"

"Beats the hell out of me."

"This is a struggle for the souls of men. It follows if a senator filibusters against conservative judges, he is full of evil and demons."

I said, "Our politics sounds more like Iraqi politics every day."

"Hopefully, we are a democracy, just as we hope the Muslim people will have a democracy. But in order to have one, we depend on the faith of our leaders. This is why the Democrats are so dangerous. They are using the Senate rules to make their point. We are using God to make our point."

"Hallelujah," I said.

Zack said, "Blessed are those who are against abortion, same-sex marriages, and would smite down the Washington Post, the New York Times and the New Republic."

Zack and I held hands and said, "Amen."