Mental health: The deep roots of relationship conflict

Personal, deep-seated trauma can rear its head at unfortunate times in a relationship

Published: Wed 17 Jul 2024, 2:19 PM

By
Geraldine Naidoo

A few months ago, Sarah sought my help to manage her severe anxiety. She found herself easily overwhelmed by everything, and her ten-year marriage was filled with tension, constant misunderstandings, and full on fights.

She loved her partner, but was confused by her intense anger and criticism of him.

Her husband, Mark, was even more confused, felt increasingly distant and helpless, unable to understand or manage her sudden emotional shifts.

This cycle of unrest not only strained their marriage, but also left them both feeling isolated, unacknowledged and unappreciated.

Their story, unfortunately, is not unique.

Upon investigation, we learned that Sarah had multiple unresolved childhood traumas.

This story inspired me to share how unresolved trauma disrupts the very fabric of intimate adult relationships.

The experts weigh in

Leading experts in trauma have delved deeply into how conflicts in relationships often stem from unresolved traumas. This can manifest as intense emotional and behavioural surges that easily lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and a breakdown in communication.

These responses are not just reactions to the present situation but are often linked to past experiences that haven't been fully processed or healed.

So what is trauma?

According to psychotherapist Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is any experience that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, leaving them feeling helpless, horrified, and profoundly unsafe. This includes childhood neglect, childhood abuse, early parental attachment disruptions, a car accident, natural/man-made disasters, etc., all of which significantly disrupt a person’s sense of safety on a fundamental level.

Author and trauma therapist Resmaa Menakem further describes trauma as a deeply distressing experience that can embed itself in the body, manifesting through physical sensations and long-lasting emotional impacts. He describes examples of cultural imprinting such as racial violence or enduring childhood abuse, which can embed deep intrusion in the body, showing up as chronic pain or persistent emotional distress.

This level of internal distress explains why it may be difficult to build harmonious relationships with others.

What's behind the behaviour?

Traumatic experiences create imprints in the mind and body, which can show up as emotional reactivity in relationships. Unresolved trauma can resurface in ways that disrupt daily life: Individuals can experience emotional numbing or be overly sensitive, resulting in difficulty with trust and intimacy.

Typical responses that can be rooted in trauma

“Unexplained” instinctive Gut responses

Have you ever responded harshly and later wondered where that reaction came from?

Memories of trauma can be triggered by certain situations and interactions, leading to instinctive gut reactions or responses which may have no validation in the moment.

Trauma disrupts normal functioning of the nervous system, and while these Instinctive gut responses are necessary adjustments for survival in the moment of trauma, it can later lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and distress in relationships.

Anger

Do you, or your partner fly into an unexplained rage at the first sign of a disagreement?

Anger is a deeply rooted protective response to feeling threatened or vulnerable. Even though the actual danger is minimal, or perhaps non-existent in that moment, anger may feel like the only way out. Think of The Incredible Hulk: when he blows up in anger he is invincible. This is basically what happens within the psyche during moments of anger. Anger is the “fight” survival response.

Withdrawal

Do you shut down or withdraw as a first response to conflict? Some people consistently avoid the crucial conversations, and will quite literally run from the situation – the flight response.

As annoying as this may be, this is actually a profound and deeply rooted self-protective mechanism. One way to avoid potential emotional pain is to distance oneself from potential conflict. To the other partner this emotional unavailability and refusal to engage may well feel like rejection.

Trauma-based responses can reveal themselves as withdrawal, sudden emotional shifts, or seemingly irrational fears, confusing both trauma survivor and their partner.

Criticism

Does your partner criticise you constantly? Focusing on the perceived flaws of others deflects attention from your own fears and insecurities.

Trauma often creates a part within a person to strongly avoid vulnerability. These protective parts are defence mechanisms developed to shield the core self from further emotional harm. But while criticism may be self-protective, it creates further relationship disorder through negativity and blame.

Lack of Perception

How annoying is it when a partner cannot read a simple social cue, even the glaringly obvious ones? But what may seem obvious and clear to you, may not be so clear to them because trauma can impair the ability to read social cues accurately and respond appropriately. This leads to miscommunications and conflict. Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD, reports that trauma changes certain brain regions associated with emotion regulation, memory, and social interaction.

The Results of Therapeutic intervention

After working with me for several weeks, Sarah grasped that her instinctive physical and emotional reactions stemmed from learned behaviours due to her traumatic childhood experiences. She understood that husband, Mark, was not the enemy; rather, it was her programmed responses that were the real issue. Her marital relationship improved dramatically as she started to unlearn the deeply embedded imprints of her distress.

Finding Help

Change is possible if you seek the help of a professional. By combining the trauma-informed mind and body-based therapies, and learning effective communication strategies you can learn to express needs and resolve conflicts without resorting to defensive or maladaptive behaviours.

Conclusion

Trauma results in a poorly organised experience of the whole self: the mind and body begin to lack coherence. This distorts the ability to share reliable and nurturing exchanges with others. While the traumatic experience was not your fault, you can take charge of your wellness now.

**Disclaimer: Humans are complex. Please do not use this article to diagnose self or others. Seek the help of a qualified professional.

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