Mental health: The deep roots of relationship conflict

A few months ago, Sarah sought my help to manage her severe anxiety. She found herself easily overwhelmed by everything, and her ten-year marriage was filled with tension, constant misunderstandings, and full on fights.

She loved her partner, but was confused by her intense anger and criticism of him.

Her husband, Mark, was even more confused, felt increasingly distant and helpless, unable to understand or manage her sudden emotional shifts.

This cycle of unrest not only strained their marriage, but also left them both feeling isolated, unacknowledged and unappreciated.

Their story, unfortunately, is not unique.

Upon investigation, we learned that Sarah had multiple unresolved childhood traumas.

This story inspired me to share how unresolved trauma disrupts the very fabric of intimate adult relationships.

The experts weigh in

Leading experts in trauma have delved deeply into how conflicts in relationships often stem from unresolved traumas. This can manifest as intense emotional and behavioural surges that easily lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and a breakdown in communication.

These responses are not just reactions to the present situation but are often linked to past experiences that haven't been fully processed or healed.

So what is trauma?

According to psychotherapist Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is any experience that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, leaving them feeling helpless, horrified, and profoundly unsafe. This includes childhood neglect, childhood abuse, early parental attachment disruptions, a car accident, natural/man-made disasters, etc., all of which significantly disrupt a person’s sense of safety on a fundamental level.

Author and trauma therapist Resmaa Menakem further describes trauma as a deeply distressing experience that can embed itself in the body, manifesting through physical sensations and long-lasting emotional impacts. He describes examples of cultural imprinting such as racial violence or enduring childhood abuse, which can embed deep intrusion in the body, showing up as chronic pain or persistent emotional distress.

This level of internal distress explains why it may be difficult to build harmonious relationships with others.

What's behind the behaviour?

Traumatic experiences create imprints in the mind and body, which can show up as emotional reactivity in relationships. Unresolved trauma can resurface in ways that disrupt daily life: Individuals can experience emotional numbing or be overly sensitive, resulting in difficulty with trust and intimacy.

Typical responses that can be rooted in trauma

“Unexplained” instinctive Gut responses

Have you ever responded harshly and later wondered where that reaction came from?

Memories of trauma can be triggered by certain situations and interactions, leading to instinctive gut reactions or responses which may have no validation in the moment.

Trauma disrupts normal functioning of the nervous system, and while these Instinctive gut responses are necessary adjustments for survival in the moment of trauma, it can later lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and distress in relationships.

Anger

Do you, or your partner fly into an unexplained rage at the first sign of a disagreement?

Anger is a deeply rooted protective response to feeling threatened or vulnerable. Even though the actual danger is minimal, or perhaps non-existent in that moment, anger may feel like the only way out. Think of The Incredible Hulk: when he blows up in anger he is invincible. This is basically what happens within the psyche during moments of anger. Anger is the “fight” survival response.

Withdrawal

**Disclaimer: Humans are complex. Please do not use this article to diagnose self or others. Seek the help of a qualified professional.