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Cruel intentions

The fairer sex can often manipulate family and all other social creatures — at times, not in a very nice way. So much for woman power!

One of the nurses who looks after my sister is in her late forties, built like a battle tank and sort of sails into the room with a presence that is relatively intimidating. A week ago when I was visiting home she looked morose and downcast, as if someone had thrown a mine into her turret. So I asked her what was wrong and after considerable prying, she came out with the story.

The eldest son got married about four years ago and now has a distant relationship with his parents — or shall we say, one of convenience. Like if they have to go somewhere they leave the kids with the grandparents for a few days and then show no gratitude whatsoever.

I tell her that this is the way of the world and gratitude is not a commodity that freely sloshes about. On the contrary, if you expect it, you are more likely not to receive it.

But, then, that is not her problem. The problem is that the daughter-in-law has sat her down and read her the riot act.

One, I am not married to the whole flipping clan. I am married to your son; don’t expect me to care 
for you and all that sentimental claptrap.

Two, my husband gets the house put in his name and do it to this deadline.

Three, you will be available to us when needed and you will ensure that you take care of the children.

Four, give your son some money and transfer your jewellery into my locker.

Five, do not ever tell him we had this conversation and whenever you can you will praise me, I’ll be listening.

So, okay, I say, she does sound like a bit of a shrew but you do not have to listen to her, tell her where she gets off.

I cannot, she replies, if I react she has threatened to report me to the police and accuse me of MIL brutality.

And what is MIL, I ask, utterly ignorant of the term.

Mother-in-law, she says. If a daughter-in-law goes to the police and makes a report about her husband’s parents they are immediately arrested and sent to jail. Thousands of such cases are arbitrarily acted upon, the wrongs of the past being balanced by the wrongs of the present.

Don’t be ridiculous, I say, nobody can just do that, she cannot blackmail you after this fashion.

She can and she does, the nurse replies. My husband and I are so scared we dare not even raise our voices. We just do what we are told.

Ban her from your home. If she does not live with you, she can hardly complain about your bullying her.

Yes, but then we do not see our grandchildren — no, no, it is better this way.

And this is common, I ask, like it is not unusual?

Very common, she says, I know so many mothers-in-law who are afraid. We meet and talk about it and lament our sons who are cowards. And the police would take us away — all she has to show is a bruise. It is for these reasons that the son would rather take his wife’s side than his mother’s. He has gradually but effectively been brainwashed into believing that she is the victim and the mother is unreasonably hostile.

I am reminded of the brigadier’s wife who used to beat her husband with a stick whenever he stepped out of line and it was quite a joke in army circles when we were kids growing up but it is not as rare a phenomenon as you might think. Not that a woman needs a stick.

It was Shakespeare who said no man is a failure until his wife thinks so. And this is so true. If you want to knock the stuffing out of a man as his wife, all you need to do is shower scorn, contempt and derision about his job, his looks, his capabilities and his success graph as compared to his peer group. Male egos are very fragile and becoming a loser can be a refuge for men who give up the ghost, brought to their professional knees by a nagging wife or one who so completely fails to appreciate them.

Contrary to the macho imaging men engage in, they take female rejection of any sort very badly. Women can use the power of their gender to control and manipulate men into a sort of ongoing submission that even they do not realise has occurred. They become housetrained, tamed and are able to camouflage their surrender as a quest for peace on the domestic front. In doing so, they are so exhausted their career plunges to a has-been status and they can be resentful but are caught between a rock and a hard place.

By that token, a female boss can be a very intimidating person if she chooses a target in the office staff. Simply by showing how inept her male subordinate is, she can entirely wreck his self-confidence and self-esteem.

Keeping this exercise of power in mind, one can appreciate the mother-in-law’s fear of being arrested. The sadder part is that the pretence of the relationship has to continue even as loathing broils beneath the surface. The family gets together on weekends and other special days, everyone plays the game and much false affection is flung around but no love.

Love has gone.