The Constant Complainer

There are cynical people in the world, negative people we encounter and then, there is the chronic complainer. These people are especially draining, because they often don’t want or look for solutions for their complaints.

It can be draining for you, if you’re the one that they constantly complain to, and it’s hard for you to stay positive and action-oriented around them. Constant complaining has many deleterious effects on a person, both personally and on their environment. The good news is, there are ways to understand what’s going on and how to deal with the complainers.

At work, chronic complainers can hurt employee performance, productivity and the bottom line. Complaining affects the workplace culture; it can directly impact morale, employee engagement, absenteeism and turnover. This kind of negativity kills innovative thinking as well.

Trevor Blake, author of Three Simple Steps: A Map to Success in Business and Life, says that chronic complaining is especially virulent in small businesses, because there is no buffer from that person’s negativity, just constant exposure to it. If you have a chronic complainer in your family or among your circle of friends, you’ve probably noticed the negative effects on all the members.

Professor Guy Winch offers some insight on the makeup of the chronic complainer in Psychology Today. Winch says that chronic complainers don't see themselves as negative people — they instead see the world as negative, and that they’re constantly being shorted and wronged. They believe that complaints are the appropriate response to the constant ills and misfortune that befalls them. Even when a chronic complainer does recognise that they’re often negative, says Winch, they feel justified because they have been so beset with problems.

Minda Zetlin of Inc.com reports on Blake’s book, describing how your brain is affected by chronic complaining. Blake says that the brain can be conditioned like a muscle, and that listening to someone’s negative complaining can cause you to become more likely to complain too. Other research by Blake finds that excess negativity and complaining can affect your problem-solving ability, that exposure to such negativity — even by watching a 30-minute TV show containing negative depictions “peels away the neurons in the brain’s hippocampus.” The hippocampus is associated with memory, an essential component of learning that is aided by emotion.

Blake tells Zetlin that genuine problems do need addressing, but bitching sessions don’t do anyone or anything any good. Instead, he offers some advice on protecting yourself. He advises doing your best to distance yourself from the complainer. He likens listening too much to such a person as inhaling secondhand smoke by being around a smoker.

Secondly, reports Zetlin, you can ask the complainer what solutions might be available for the problem(s). Forcing the person to take responsibility will either drive the complainer away from you, or inspire them to think proactively.

Winch offers some more insight on this. He warns against trying to lessen the problem or situation: don’t try to assure the complainer that things are not as bad as they seem. This will trigger the complainer to escalate their problems, descriptions and complaints in an attempt to convince you about how bad things really are.

Winch points out that complainers aren’t really after solutions; what they want is “sympathy and emotional validation.” He says that if you express “authentic” empathy and sympathy, you may be able to redirect them to the work ahead.

Chronic complainers really do feel like victims of unjust hardship, and this victimhood is a part of their self-identity. That’s why suggesting solutions won’t make them happy. They need that recognition of themselves and their hard lives. Many chronic complainers will respond to helpful suggestions by listing the reasons why they won’t work, or by becoming hurt and upset that you’re not really listening to them and validating their experience.

Simple recognition and sympathy work much better at shortening a complaining session than solutions do. In terms of real problems, if you first empathise and validate, you may offer brief and specific advice that may then be appreciated and implemented.

When these techniques aren’t working and you can’t get away, Blake recommends using imaginary mental shields, likening it a version of Harry Potter’s Invisibility cloak, with which you can buffer negativity. He describes how golfer Seve Ballesteros guarded himself against a hostile audience by imagining an enormous bell jar enclosing him and the game, and shutting out the viewers.

You can also, Blake tells Zetlin, mentally transport yourself away if you can't literally get away from a chronic complainer. He takes himself to his own beach on a private island while trapped by angry or negative people.

Journalist and writer Marjo Johne describes some of the techniques business owners and managers have used to deter chronic complaining and preserve a positive work culture. They genuinely listen to the complaint; they attempt to get complainers to think in problem-solving terms; they establish a process for handling complaints that includes a chain-of-command; establish regular meetings to air and share complaints; take a proactive approach by asking about how things are going before complaints arise; and most importantly, they must be aware, or develop awareness, of their tendency to complain — and curb it.

Johne gives examples of these techniques in action.

Michael Gokturk, a CEO, acknowledges and listens to complaints, but his employees know that they have to have some ideas and also solutions in hand, when they come to him. The fact that he listens prevents complainers from riling others, and the fact that they must approach him with a problem-solving mentality helps them to begin overcoming a negative habit.

Gokturk inspires his employees to become problem-solvers instead of gripers, by giving rewards to those that come up with innovative ways of improving products and services.

Corin Mullins ensures that her employees know about the established chain-of-command and protocol for handling complaints, and that they know their complaints will be acknowledged and dealt with within two days.

Some companies have a no-complaining policy, says Johne, but this rule will only work in a culture in which employees are able to implement solutions to problems, and are empowered to make changes.

CEO Sandra Murre has regular meetings in which everyone shares what they’re doing. This connects them as a team, and gives them the opportunity to share obstacles and get suggestions from others. Murre also takes great care not to come across negatively to her staff, because she’s learned that a complaint is the one thing they’ll most remember.

Think about how often you complain without a solution in hand. Is this something you should change? If you’re a business owner, do you have an established protocol for handling complaints? One that really works? If you often encounter a chronic complainer in your life, have you tried really listening and empathising with them?