Parenting Tips: How to raise confident children

Everything we have been told, taught or witnessed on this subject is wrong. Every single thing. Don’t get me wrong, our parents’ generation got a lot right but raising confident individuals is not one of them.

“Just let him go alone to camp. He will adjust. He will be fine. He will learn to be independent.”

“Just throw him in the pool. He will learn to swim.”

“Just let your children sleep on their own. Their independence will give them confidence.”

This. Is. Not. How. You. Build.

Confidence.

Confidence is this: Feeling safe in your body, loving yourself, trusting your inner voice and listening to your instincts.

When we push our children in ways that do not come to them naturally, they do not feel safe. Children need connection and safety to learn anything. And here is the thing: it takes time. This is not an overnight job. Why? Neurologically, the brain learns when your flight, fight, freeze mechanism is not on, i.e. when you feel safe. When you push your children away from you before they are ready, the learning parts of their brain shut down because they are in danger. The reptilian brain kicks in, pumping adrenaline and cortisol into their blood, pushing them to survive the danger.

They do not learn confidence. They do not learn anything. They simply learn to survive the danger. But then, what if all of life feels dangerous? There is no end to the cortisol and adrenaline being pumped into you, corroding your organs, corroding your well-being and impacting your health.

So, how do you raise confident children who grow to become independent?

Yes that is right: children grow into independence. It takes time. All of this takes time. The brain slowly builds neural circuits that cement into habits and instinct. None of this is easy. And none of this is immediate. What is guaranteed is that when you are patient, not in a rush and you help your children grow into confidence and independence, your child will truly grow into him and herself. This is what you do:

1Always validate your children’s emotional experiences: This teaches them to trust their feelings and trust their inner voice.

Example: Child says: “I had a bad day at school.”