Men don’t need to 'man up' to mental health

Boys don’t cry. I have a male friend who’d once given me a line I’ll never forget: “I can’t afford to cry because that would mean I am not able to ‘take the knocks’… and I have to take the knocks that life delivers — I am a man, it comes with the territory.” That’s the social conditioning most men grow up with. Come what may, you can’t show the world you are coming apart. Too much judgement will follow if you do the ‘sissy’ thing of admitting your defences are down.

In a world that’s big on woke-ism about women’s issues, being not afraid to address problems that women have to grapple with — or have traditionally grappled with — it’s surprising there’s almost a reverse sexism at play when it comes to even recognising that men have been silently bearing the cross of mental health, scared to “come out” or “admit” they are fragile and alienated in a world that expects them to be a certain way. Strong. Resilient. Resistant. Unbreakable.

That’s far from the truth. Men hurt just as much as women — never mind the stoic exterior — and are just as prone to getting emotionally upended. At times, they hurtle down the rabbit hole of psychological turbulence. And because there is shame in “seeking help”, the trauma festers… over time, getting clinically ferocious.

“Men may be less likely to discuss their problems and feelings with others, which can make it more difficult to recognise and address mental health issues in a timely manner,” says Rahaf Kobeissi, who is a men’s mental health specialist, speaker, and an award-winning mindset transformation coach. Rahaf is also the host of the Don’t Be A Man About It podcast, has been known for breaking the stigma on men’s mental health and, significantly, is one of the first women in the Middle East to start a conversation on the subject. In her words, she tries to be a “go-to expert for men’s mental health, self-love, growth mindset, employee well-being, and personal development, brings diverse perspectives and expertise on self-love, mental health, and mindset growth as a key pillar of overall well-being”, and has been working with corporations and individuals to promote healthy thinking and living, and contributing to making this world a healthier one for the generations to come.

Rahaf tells us why we need to encourage men to stop manning up to mental health — and, instead, to talk about it, and, if need be, seek therapy. All the while, feeling unashamed.

The most common mental issues men struggle with

“Men may be less likely to recognise or seek help for depression — which can lead to under-diagnosis and under-treatment. They may experience anxiety related to social pressures and expectations around their role as a provider, protector, and problem-solver, which may lead to a mental breakdown — as well as impact physical health. Consequently, men are more likely than women to engage in substance use and/or alcohol as a coping mechanism for emotional distress; they are also more likely to have thoughts of self-harm and then not seek help.

Then, there are relationship problems that men face due to societal expectations around their ‘role’ — which can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and disconnection from others.”

Overcoming ‘masculinity’

“Yes, there is a social conditioning that suggests that men cannot be seen as being ‘vulnerable’, and that admitting one may have a mental health issue is a sign of weakness. This can lead men to feel ashamed, embarrassed or stigmatised for seeking help or admitting to having a mental health issue. In my experience, it can be tougher for men to seek therapy than women due to social stigma and cultural expectations around masculinity. Men may feel pressure to ‘tough it out’ or ‘man up’ when facing mental health challenges, and may be less likely to seek help or talk about their feelings openly.

But it is important to make them know that seeking therapy is a sign of strength.

I try and create a safe, compassionate and supportive space for men to talk about their feelings, emotions and mental health concerns without fear of judgement or stigma. I also work to reframe the idea that seeking help or admitting to having an issue is a sign of weakness, and instead emphasise the strength and courage it takes to confront and address these issues.

To encourage men to seek therapy, it is important to educate them on the benefits of seeking help, and to provide them with resources and support to access mental health services. This can include offering confidential and non-judgemental counselling or therapy services, providing information on mental health resources and support groups, and working to reduce the stigma and barriers to seeking help for mental health issues.”

It’s okay to say “I’m not okay”

“To do this effectively, I use a variety of approaches, including —

Normalising the experience: I emphasise that it is a common experience that many people go through. By reducing the stigma and shame around mental health, I encourage men to feel more comfortable and confident in expressing their emotions and seeking help.

Highlighting the benefits of seeking help: I say how it improves emotional wellbeing, and leads to better relationships, and an improved quality of life. I also highlight the positive impact that seeking help can have on family, friends and loved ones.

Providing practical tips and strategies: These include self-care techniques, stress reduction strategies, and mindfulness practices.

Encouraging open communication: It is important to encourage open communication and dialogue around mental health and emotional wellbeing. This can include asking men how they are feeling and listening actively to their responses, without judgement or interruption.

Educate both men and women on the benefits of seeking help: It is important to educate people on the benefits of seeking help for mental health issues, including improved emotional wellbeing, better relationships and improved quality of life. By emphasising the positive impact of seeking help and normalising it, men may be more willing to take steps to improve their mental health.

Foster social connections: Building social connections and relationships is important for maintaining good mental health. As a mental health coach, I encourage men to engage in activities and hobbies that promote social connections and community building, such as joining a sports team or volunteering.

In my experience, when men are given permission to express their emotions and seek help for mental health issues, they often respond positively and are willing to take steps to improve their emotional wellbeing. However, it is important to recognise that every individual is different, and some men may be more resistant to seeking help or expressing their emotions. In these cases, it is important to approach the issue with empathy, and to work towards building trust and rapport with the individual.”

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